Mudflaps and Deathtraps: Show us your Grips

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: While winter winds up to maximum, style-conscious Agents are already modeling this year's latest looks in rusty rims and subversively salty sidewalls. 

Agent 4261 shows how it's done.

  That's right: the slushy, sodium-slurry sultans of Operation S.C.U.M. are alive and well and spreading the word with freezing-temperature-fashions for Agency Winter Cruisers.

Just a little crud can go a long way, but to really pull off the look, a certain attention to detail and some well-placed waste will send your ride to the darker side; you're an ambassador of anarchy with a 12-ply rating.

The obligatory Grandpa Grips of yore have been largely superseded by more modern, softer-looking winters that actually probably work pretty well; but this doesn't mean they can't look nasty. A few simple tricks can be found in the ever-helpful Field Agent Guide to Vehicle Appearance: Chapter 43 of Jimmy's Letter to his Lawyer, verses 11-13: 
  

Dirty white letters are a can't-miss.

  Thine fronts and thine rears shall not be of the same size, nor the same brand, nor age, nor type. Let not thine rims be too Goddamn shiny, either; for vanity is a sin for summer. Thou shalt do this in remembrance of me; for thou knowest who thou art. Yes, I'm looking at thou. 

  In other important news, the President has finally announced the winner of this years coveted President's Choicest Winter Beater of Distinction award.

Attention to detail is everything.

  At a mercifully brief and largely unattended press conference held earlier this week, the President, quite obviously very much leaning very heavily upon the podium, announced that this year's PCWBD would be going home with Agent 100013, for his inspired '87 5.0. The Prez went on at some considerable length about the stomach-turning appropriateness of the "stolen at least 6 times" vibe that 100013's rusty, broken, rattle-stang radiated. He probably could have kept his Oscar-acceptance-length speech a little tidier with out going into such a passionate endorsement of the chopped-off blue bottle exhaust and the interior full of used tires, but most present considered the event a success as it concluded without substantial vomiting or violence.

Another masterpiece from the fertile mind of Agent 100013.

  Perennial PCWBD champ Agent 1080 was a strong contender with his 1974 Chrysler Newport, but was taken out of the running when he inexplicably sold the 'Port and bought some kind of late-model shame-blob. Sanctions are being considered as this issue goes to press; updates to follow, etc.
  Another usually-strong suitor, Agent 0311, was also DQ'd this year because of the final, long-overdue expiration of his latest, and probably last, Volvo 245. 0311 has chosen to drive his sweet Saab 9000 year-round, and is getting a few hurt looks from HQ. A couple of other Agency Cruisers were considered, but in the end none of them could touch 100013's Rustang for sheer S.C.U.M. appeal. The huge hole in the dash with wires puking out of it everywhere was just the icing on the cake after a thorough and carefully documented inspection revealed a bounty of decay and abuse that spells "winning" every time.

Saline Motorsports Edition: Sacrificial Salty Supercar.

  The President was very nearly overcome with the sheer mag- nificence of 100013's achieve- ment; he stood, weaving quite noticeably now, and presented the trophy to a completely random passer-by before getting into a cab and trying to start it with a cocktail fork for several minutes while the police were called in to assess the situation and grab a couple of sausage rolls left over from the reception. 
   All Agents are requested to stop in and try to help clean up some of the extra drinks.

Operation "Yard Ornament" Showing Early Signs of Total Collapse

CWMC Headquarters, Ab: All available agents are being petitioned for ideas to help stop the monstrous funding blowout that is currently threatening the entire Domestic Automobile Division. The President, apparently having lost a bet, is diverting huge wads of untraceable funds into his latest pet project in what can only be seen as a kamikaze financial assault on his own company.

The pile of rusty, smashed-up shit at the center of the controversy has been tentatively identified as some type of Plymouth automobile, to no one's surprise. This latest disaster has already been supplied a couple of mismatched doors from a Desoto, and is set to consume several better cars for parts as the black hole of irrational restorations achieves critical mass. Again.