Inventory Blowout Generates Fresh Funding

CWMC  Remarketing Division, Side of the Road, Ardrossan, Ab: With summer a vague memory and fall fast turning to whatever season follows it, the President has authorized an all-out inventory liquidation in an attempt to free up some much-needed square footage in the various cold-storage bunkers, currently overflowing with a veritable cornucopia of crumbling castoffs in various states of un-roadworthiness. A delightful lineup of hopeful-looking debris was towed or pushed to the edge of the compound and left near the adjoining highway to entice passers-by and further dampen local property values.


  Scarcely had a week passed when an actual customer stopped in and procured the 1964 Rambler Cross-Country, netting the Prez a cool $325.00 profit after some spirited haggling and what-me-with-a-family-to-feed-type bullshit. Batteries (and fuel pump, shock towers, floors, etc.) of course, not included.



Stella ruins picture #539



  Next to go was the 1970 Chevrolet Bel-Air, possibly the only decent car Cold War Motors has ever sold; certainly one of a very small number that may ever see the back of a plate being screwed to its bumper again. Small cash profit, and cause for celebratory bong rips all-round. The President was actually a bit sad to see this one go, but the pile of threatening hate mail from Agent 1080 was beginning to get the better of him, and CWM's only GM car is just a memory now.

 

Bring cash. And gas.



  Despite a boozy summer's worth of half-assed wrenching and hammering, the "Operation Yard Ornament" 1962 Plymouth Belvedere is proving no easier to sell now than when it arrived in boxes. Perhaps the lack of a wiring harness or gas tank has something to do with this; then again, it could just be the fact that it is a 1962 Plymouth, a car that was hard enough to sell when it was brand new. GT Hood Stripes have been duly applied in an attempt to spruce up the ugliest car in the fleet, but to little effect. Two-digit offers are now being considered as the snow approaches...

 

There are at least seven good parts in there somewhere. 



  Also still "on the hill" are the 1983 Ford F150 (get-this-piece-of-shit-out-of-my-yard priced at $350.00) and the President's personal Battle Cruiser #4 1976 Chrysler Newport Custom. This mobile monument to political incorrectness is not exactly flying off the shelves, either, possibly because not as many people are colourblind as the Remarketing Division had hoped. If golf-course-green brocade is your thing, this supertanker sweetheart is ready-to-go at $4900.00.

  Just when things were looking up, parking space-wise, our fearless leader has seen fit to give a home to yet another of Canada's rustiest Chryslers. This flyblown carcass might have been a Dodge Regent coupe back when the American car industry was the envy of the world, but its pretty hard to tell anymore. Just what the rationale was behind this bit of impulse-buying is lost on everyone, but all Agents are encouraged to stop in and contemplate the decision-making processes demonstrated therein.





  After the profits were totalled up and apprpriate numbers were crunched, it slowly became obvious that the Prez was going to still be about fifty grand shy of the price of a new shop truck. Rather than get a real job or keep embezzling funding from his own company, the Chief Cheapskate simply knocked a couple of zeros off the budget and went with the 1989 Dodge 150, complete with optional peeling paint and rust decor group. HQ reports that all systems (with the exception of the air, cruise, temp and oil guages) are go. So far. 



Inventory Shuffle Imminent as Storage Facilites Fail

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker, Ardrossan, Ab.: With twigs and beer cans holding the collapsing roof away from some of his favourite cars, the President is again being forced to at least acknowledge the possibility that some excess inventory should be liquidated in the interest of advancing a general policy of sanity and achievement-orientedness.
  The real problem, besides the obvious one involved in convincing innocent victims to purchase said excess inventory, would be actually permanently reducing the body count, and not just filling all the newly freed up space with more derelict shitheaps.

Low miles, slight weed smell...

  The President, having been very reluctantly convinced to put upon the block his beloved Battle Cruiser #4, would be only too accommodating to any number of opportunities to fill the hole in the garage with some dangerously bad idea cars, any one of which would happily suck funding ad nauseum. Agent 0311 is lobbying pretty convincingly on behalf of the entire Vintage Import Wagon Division for storage space to be assigned to one of several ancient Mazda station wagons of indeterminate age and pedigree; one still sporting a spiffy 8 lb cow shit on the hood, perhaps an omen? What could go wrong with a 40 year-old, rotary-engined, rusty Jap car sitting in a field with no keys, no history, and no tangible support network at all? 

Wankel-wagon still collecting pessimistic reviews

  Joining the 'Port in the classifieds will be the 1959 Mercedes 190D, a vehicle so far beyond realistic hope of salvation that even the President is beginning to see that it will never amount to anything but a decent yard decoration / wild animal refuge. The Remarketing Division hopes to increase the curb appeal with a set of GT Hood Stripes and a couple of tires that hold air, but no one is holding their breath for a speedy sale. More likely, it will end up thrown in with the 1964 Rambler Cross Country as a part-exchange on something even more ridiculous. The Prez has his eye on some Soviet-era iron rusting in the same field as the aforementioned Mazda treasures. Skoda 120 Rapid, anyone? Lada Niva, perhaps? The mind swims with the possible nightmare scenarios should the Prez take the Eastern-Bloc route...
  "I like the idea of vodka-powered cars" said the President earlier today in an interview from his mobile command centre, smashing through rush-hour traffic while stolen U.N. Diplomatic fender flags waved contemptuously at the stricken commuters.
 Meanwhile, all Agents are encouraged to stay off the roads for the rest of the day, and keep sending suggestions for possible Agency Cruisers via this newsletter.

Presidential Fleet Swells With Commissioning of Latest Heavy Cruiser

CWMC Presidential Mansion, AB: Despite repeated entreaties by the country's leading environmentalists to curtail the reckless abuse of our nations resources, another nuclear-class highway gunboat is joining the already politically suicidal CWMC Presidential Fleet.

The President, wholly unrepentant and seemingly even more oblivious than usual to the mass of placard-waving hippies camped permanently outside the gates, contented himself to peruse the finer points of the owner's manual and thereby master the operation of the state-of-the-art 8-track Stereo with AM radio.

When asked why a fourth 12 mpg big-block C-Body Chrysler was necessary to transport someone known to only leave the compound under protest (or to procure intoxicants), the President responded that "fender skirts are awesome" and reiterated his request that David Suzuki stop throwing greasy pelicans at the car every time he is in town.