Agency S.C.U.M. Cruiser Updates and Controversy Again Over FCD Ruling

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab:  Late summer: long, sunny, unproductive afternoons and warm, boozy evenings, with plenty of time for idle contemplation and window shopping on the internet's bottomless used-car market. Well, almost bottomless; CWMC Agents can usually be found exploring the classic car counterpart to the Marianas Trench, often battling the President himself for the bring-a-battery bargains that show up under headlines like Good Derby Car and Going to Crusher on Friday.
  Sometimes you just know things intuitively, like when a movie is going to be terrible (stars any wrestler), or, by just a single stomach-churning lyric or churchy C-major chord change, that you've inadvertently selected the Christian radio station. In the same way, it is never too difficult to tell that the Agency Cruiser that has just pulled up at HQ belongs to the notorious Agent 303. It could be the ancient, cracking whitewalls, or the punched-out trunk lock and piece of rope holding the lid sort-of-closed, but there's definitely a certain vibe around 303's S.C.U.M. cruisers: a kind of grinning in the face of hopeless obsolescence mixed with an air of subtle menace that surrounds those with almost nothing to lose; the vehicular equivalent of a homeless rottweiler. Somewhere, a plate is jammed in a rear window, appropriated from a long-ago-sold sedan of similar description. The bumper might be gone, but the luxury lives on. 
  303's latest forays into the shady no-mans-land between the back alley and the scrap yard have netted a pair of Cruisers that epitomize his near-unchallenged stature as S.C.U.M. Champion First Class, showcasing what it takes to wear the blue ribbon of beater-town. A Lincoln Town Coupe, carbon-dated to the late-70's, serves to showcase his aesthetic preference for faded glory; its padded half-vinyl Landau top long-ago stripped away and brushed over in black Tremclad, bondo bulging as ancient rust repairs resurface under the sun-bleached $249.00 splash. 

It's either 303, or someone's great-great-aunt is lost...

  "I just love Lincolns," said 303 today in an interview from his luxurious north-side estate, where he was busy camou- flaging several of his other Cruisers with branches and grass clippings to hide them from the landlord.
  "...I mean, how awesome is this moonroof? If it had brakes, I would probably drive it even more."
  Beside the Lincoln sits another signature piece: some kind of Oldsmobile-ish coupe, also dating from the days of Bee-Gees and bellbottoms. Found sitting in the junkyard, it too was rescued and given a loving home by the crazy-cat-lady of big, domestic 2-door bombers. This sweetheart mega-canoe steps out with an efficient 400-ish cubes shredding the decrepit museum-ready radials on command while we recline in corduroy comfort, burning huge spliffs and sneering at the mortals in their payment-plan shame-sheds.

Yes, Agent 533 is stocking up on head gaskets.

  Agent 533's Cuiser status, meanwhile, has been massively upgraded from "Pretty Cool" to "Pretty Goddamn Cool" following the long-expected expiration of his namesake Bavarian Motor. It sits, mellowing gracefully in the shrubbery; the first leaves of fall skating lazily across the parched paint and lodging themselves comfortably under the wipers and behind the windshield weatherstrip, waiting for winter.
  "I needed an upgrade..." said 533 in an interview earlier this week, speaking loudly to be heard over the turbo whine and cool-jazz soundtrack grooving together as he prepares for liftoff. "In keeping with Company Policy of buying the cars you wanted when you were in elementary school, I've decided to go with the Omni GLH Turbo... "

Agents on the scene to inspect the new cruisers...

  In an only-just-barely-predicable move today, the French Car Division has offered its endorse- ment of 533's new cruiser, claiming that since its not-too-distantly related to the Talbot / Simca Horizon introduced in late 1977, (superseding the Simca 1100), it qualifies as a French car, and, therefore, budgets for that Division need to be adjusted accordingly.
  533's new Field Unit is actually so tidy that it will have to be supplemented shortly with another, more disposable rig in order that the salt be kept from the delicate flanks of one of the last surviving Omnis in the known universe. 
  All Agents are advised to get shopping, as Winter Beater Challenge will soon be upon us again, and there are just so many different ways to Subvert Conventional Urban Mediocrity.

Domestic Car Division Accidentaly Purchases a Rare and Interesting Car

CWMC Domestic Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: A missing Van Gogh? What-ever. The Venus De Milo? An armless rock. Dead Sea Scrolls? -yawn- Don't even get this reporter started.
  That's right, taking it's rightful place at the top rung of the amazingly accidental discoveries list...

Priceless patina intact...

  Another rusty 4-door sedan! Oh, the glory and fame that showered down upon the CWMC Cold Storage Yard! Reporters from all of the major enthusiast magazines jostled among the smouldering flash bulbs for a few words from the President, and busloads of bespectacled auction-house-heavyweight, double-black-belt car nerds slashed themselves pale on the compound's razor-wire perimeter fence, desperate for a glimpse of this year's most amazing automotive authentication. 
  The Army (well... the KISS Army) had to be called in briefly to help control the crowd, and to organize a pretty magic all-KISS Karaoke Kontest, which was later cancelled when the posters were printed using a poor choice of abbreviations and unfortunate, burning-cross imagery borrowed from Sabbath.

It's radio delete, of course.

  Eventually, some semblance of order was restored and The Prez, his disappoint- ment at not being elected Pope plain to see and his countenance betraying clearly the type of fatigue that only long-term drug and alcohol abuse coupled with the screaming of profanity at inanimate objects for hours at a time can produce, did manage a speech so foul, so bereft of redeemable qualities in even the briefest of passages that it shall serve as a maledictive high-water mark for generations to come, and as a reminder of the perils of letting unedited speechwriters and reporters consume copious quantities of magic mushrooms before large, public events.

Worth its weight in...well, steel.

  The 1951 Kaiser Special was apparently some kind of coral pink metallic back when houses were less than 10 grand and the future was still something to be looked forward to, but the brilliant paint, like that naive post-war optimism, has faded to nothing but rust and failure. Appropriate, then, that the CWMC HARASS (Half-Assed Researchers And Serial # Sleuths) team would deliver this car to HQ months before discovering its unusual, Canadian origins. One of only 1000 made in Canada, and one of only three known to survive, it is thought that the car's extreme rarity and nice color combination could place its value somewhere around $275.00, making it the first car in the history of CWMC that turned out to be worth more than the purchase price.

  In other ground-breakingly, critically important news, the President has chosen a surprise, come-from-outta-nowhere winner upon whom to bestow this season's omni-coveted Winter Beater of the Year. Seldom has the WBOTY selection process been an easy one, with the debate invariably degenerating fairly quickly to drunken name-calling, followed by outright hostility and usually ending badly, culminating in trips to the hospital, jail, or rehab. Or all three. 

This is how we do it...

 This year, however, there was one Agency S.C.U.M. Cruiser that stood out from the crowd of throwaway Taurii and flaky Fox-bodies, and it was unanimously decided that Agent 303 would take home the honors for his visionary, brave choice of a 1972 Olds 98 coupe.
  Its menacing facade still shiny in several places, this gigantic General generates a whole fuckload of 9 mpg BTU's inside as Agent 303 reclines in plush velour armchair awesomeness, isolated from the world and its lesser machines. He is not concerned that he has to start the car with a race-car-set trigger-style device from under the hood, nor with the smorgasbord of different tires at each corner; 303 knows that he is rolling the only way that matters... with Full Presidential Approval.

Do you think these guys know each other?

Mudflaps and Deathtraps: Show us your Grips

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: While winter winds up to maximum, style-conscious Agents are already modeling this year's latest looks in rusty rims and subversively salty sidewalls. 

Agent 4261 shows how it's done.

  That's right: the slushy, sodium-slurry sultans of Operation S.C.U.M. are alive and well and spreading the word with freezing-temperature-fashions for Agency Winter Cruisers.

Just a little crud can go a long way, but to really pull off the look, a certain attention to detail and some well-placed waste will send your ride to the darker side; you're an ambassador of anarchy with a 12-ply rating.

The obligatory Grandpa Grips of yore have been largely superseded by more modern, softer-looking winters that actually probably work pretty well; but this doesn't mean they can't look nasty. A few simple tricks can be found in the ever-helpful Field Agent Guide to Vehicle Appearance: Chapter 43 of Jimmy's Letter to his Lawyer, verses 11-13: 
  

Dirty white letters are a can't-miss.

  Thine fronts and thine rears shall not be of the same size, nor the same brand, nor age, nor type. Let not thine rims be too Goddamn shiny, either; for vanity is a sin for summer. Thou shalt do this in remembrance of me; for thou knowest who thou art. Yes, I'm looking at thou. 

  In other important news, the President has finally announced the winner of this years coveted President's Choicest Winter Beater of Distinction award.

Attention to detail is everything.

  At a mercifully brief and largely unattended press conference held earlier this week, the President, quite obviously very much leaning very heavily upon the podium, announced that this year's PCWBD would be going home with Agent 100013, for his inspired '87 5.0. The Prez went on at some considerable length about the stomach-turning appropriateness of the "stolen at least 6 times" vibe that 100013's rusty, broken, rattle-stang radiated. He probably could have kept his Oscar-acceptance-length speech a little tidier with out going into such a passionate endorsement of the chopped-off blue bottle exhaust and the interior full of used tires, but most present considered the event a success as it concluded without substantial vomiting or violence.

Another masterpiece from the fertile mind of Agent 100013.

  Perennial PCWBD champ Agent 1080 was a strong contender with his 1974 Chrysler Newport, but was taken out of the running when he inexplicably sold the 'Port and bought some kind of late-model shame-blob. Sanctions are being considered as this issue goes to press; updates to follow, etc.
  Another usually-strong suitor, Agent 0311, was also DQ'd this year because of the final, long-overdue expiration of his latest, and probably last, Volvo 245. 0311 has chosen to drive his sweet Saab 9000 year-round, and is getting a few hurt looks from HQ. A couple of other Agency Cruisers were considered, but in the end none of them could touch 100013's Rustang for sheer S.C.U.M. appeal. The huge hole in the dash with wires puking out of it everywhere was just the icing on the cake after a thorough and carefully documented inspection revealed a bounty of decay and abuse that spells "winning" every time.

Saline Motorsports Edition: Sacrificial Salty Supercar.

  The President was very nearly overcome with the sheer mag- nificence of 100013's achieve- ment; he stood, weaving quite noticeably now, and presented the trophy to a completely random passer-by before getting into a cab and trying to start it with a cocktail fork for several minutes while the police were called in to assess the situation and grab a couple of sausage rolls left over from the reception. 
   All Agents are requested to stop in and try to help clean up some of the extra drinks.