Domestic Car Division Accidentaly Purchases a Rare and Interesting Car

CWMC Domestic Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: A missing Van Gogh? What-ever. The Venus De Milo? An armless rock. Dead Sea Scrolls? -yawn- Don't even get this reporter started.
  That's right, taking it's rightful place at the top rung of the amazingly accidental discoveries list...

Priceless patina intact...

  Another rusty 4-door sedan! Oh, the glory and fame that showered down upon the CWMC Cold Storage Yard! Reporters from all of the major enthusiast magazines jostled among the smouldering flash bulbs for a few words from the President, and busloads of bespectacled auction-house-heavyweight, double-black-belt car nerds slashed themselves pale on the compound's razor-wire perimeter fence, desperate for a glimpse of this year's most amazing automotive authentication. 
  The Army (well... the KISS Army) had to be called in briefly to help control the crowd, and to organize a pretty magic all-KISS Karaoke Kontest, which was later cancelled when the posters were printed using a poor choice of abbreviations and unfortunate, burning-cross imagery borrowed from Sabbath.

It's radio delete, of course.

  Eventually, some semblance of order was restored and The Prez, his disappoint- ment at not being elected Pope plain to see and his countenance betraying clearly the type of fatigue that only long-term drug and alcohol abuse coupled with the screaming of profanity at inanimate objects for hours at a time can produce, did manage a speech so foul, so bereft of redeemable qualities in even the briefest of passages that it shall serve as a maledictive high-water mark for generations to come, and as a reminder of the perils of letting unedited speechwriters and reporters consume copious quantities of magic mushrooms before large, public events.

Worth its weight in...well, steel.

  The 1951 Kaiser Special was apparently some kind of coral pink metallic back when houses were less than 10 grand and the future was still something to be looked forward to, but the brilliant paint, like that naive post-war optimism, has faded to nothing but rust and failure. Appropriate, then, that the CWMC HARASS (Half-Assed Researchers And Serial # Sleuths) team would deliver this car to HQ months before discovering its unusual, Canadian origins. One of only 1000 made in Canada, and one of only three known to survive, it is thought that the car's extreme rarity and nice color combination could place its value somewhere around $275.00, making it the first car in the history of CWMC that turned out to be worth more than the purchase price.

  In other ground-breakingly, critically important news, the President has chosen a surprise, come-from-outta-nowhere winner upon whom to bestow this season's omni-coveted Winter Beater of the Year. Seldom has the WBOTY selection process been an easy one, with the debate invariably degenerating fairly quickly to drunken name-calling, followed by outright hostility and usually ending badly, culminating in trips to the hospital, jail, or rehab. Or all three. 

This is how we do it...

 This year, however, there was one Agency S.C.U.M. Cruiser that stood out from the crowd of throwaway Taurii and flaky Fox-bodies, and it was unanimously decided that Agent 303 would take home the honors for his visionary, brave choice of a 1972 Olds 98 coupe.
  Its menacing facade still shiny in several places, this gigantic General generates a whole fuckload of 9 mpg BTU's inside as Agent 303 reclines in plush velour armchair awesomeness, isolated from the world and its lesser machines. He is not concerned that he has to start the car with a race-car-set trigger-style device from under the hood, nor with the smorgasbord of different tires at each corner; 303 knows that he is rolling the only way that matters... with Full Presidential Approval.

Do you think these guys know each other?

Restoration Division Rolls out Latest Masterpiece

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker #2, Ardrossan, Ab: With the worldwide credit markets imploding and weed prices showing double-digit inflation, the CWMC Restoration Division has seen it's budget decimated after the latest round of  debt-ceiling hikes, bailouts, and feely-nicey public-relations bullshit has again failed to generate any real fiscal fix-up for the President's very serious dilemma of how to restore twenty cars on a budget for one. The obvious solution, it seems, would be to sell all but one car, and restore it; but the President, like a few other world leaders, has chosen the austerity route.

The Kaiser as delivered after another boozy buying binge.

  The Resto-ration Division chose the fittingly low-end "Special" model from the 1951 Kaiser line upon which to lavish absolutely no funding and minimal time in an attempt to prove to justifiably skeptical creditors that the ridiculous and incoherent CWMC car collection could be managed on a vastly reduced, almost embezzlement-free budget.
  With the entry deadline  for the 2012 Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance only days away, the inevitable corner-cutting started in earnest. As the latest in a series of what soon became known around the office as the Zero-Funding Restorations was fearlessly hammered together, Agents from multiple divisions donated precious seconds, even minutes of their ample spare time to this heroic undertaking.

Finished! Just buy the judges a few drinks first.

  Carefully leaning and bullshitting away, the President, now fully delusional and still convinced of a possible class win (at very least an honorable mention), just rolled the broken windows out of sight and tried to scoop out as much of the mouse shit and leafy detritus as he could with one hand, while the other held steady a pretty tidy G&T for 10:41 am.

$9.79 hood badge blew the budget

  Plans to get the Kaiser's Continental "Supersonic" 6 operational were shelved pretty quickly after a brief and discouraging look under the hood, and it was decided that no one would notice, as most serious show cars are trailered around and just kind of fussed over, anyway. Some old tarps and blankets took care of the upholstery needs without undue expenditure, while some fresh air in the tires made pushing much easier; important for proper show cars.
  Thriving mossy ecosystems were uprooted in the name of redemption, and turtle wax duly applied to the remaining paint-covered areas in the hopes that the folksy, casual, run-whatcha-brung- style judging at Pebble Beach would forgive a few, tiny, imperfections in the name of originality and preservation.

Radio delete - of course.

   The latest of these new, Zero-Funding Restorations (ZFRs) was unveiled at HQ yesterday to an appropriately subdued, select, Agents-only audience. Unfortunately, the Prez had been prepared to forestall what he perceived as a liquidity crisis by stockpiling cases of Gilbey's in his office at HQ, and had begun a pretty serious skim operation by noon that day.  Several hours later, the scene at HQ had degenerated into something substantially more like a proper fundraiser, with mysterious women and hazy, half-remembered speculation about whether the whole thing was in fact a disguised bailout of the French Car Division, whose books were singularly ruinous, and whose recent escapades had demonstrated a wholesale disregard for accountability on any level.

CSB II is full again.

  A speech was unavoidable, but someone evidently forgot to remind the President that his Wilhelm II imper-sonation, however accurate and studiously delivered, would be a tough sell in today's econo-litically correct climate, and there were definitely a few uncomfortable silences at his latest, and hopefully final, public appearance for this year.
  Not that he noticed.
  All Agents are encouraged to please report to HQ to pick up their Zero-Funding Bonus Cheques (ZFBCs).