Declassified! Operation Haircut Wraps Up as Agent 8771 Returns from Exile

CWMC Improbable Bodyworks Division, Ardrossan, Ab: No sooner had the ink dried on the latest in a seriously substantial series of funding requisitions and debt-ceiling hikes did Agent 8771 abscond with his family in tow and seek refuge deep in the Canadian Rocky Mountains; seemingly far away from the inevitable financial thrashing reserved for lucky clients of the President's most profitable division of all.

  Unfortunately, the Prez decided that "Operation Haircut" was far enough along that further delays in the interest of fiscal propriety were counter-productive and should therefore be ignored, and said Operation should proceed with or without consent from Agent 8771, or any other non-inebriated, semi-responsible entity, for that matter.

  Several easily corruptible Agents were called in to assist, and, in the tradition of all worthwhile accomplishments, bribed with vague promises and free intoxicants in exchange for hard labour and inhuman working conditions. A dependable supply chain of drugs, tacos, and chocolate bars was secured, and work progressed steadily despite near-zero visibility conditions as the roaches piled up and mountains of butts accrued on every available surface. Conversation became impossible as Agents' vocabularies were reduced to hoarse grunts and pointing motions that were largely indecipherable in the choking blue miasma.


Hand-painted stripes to really blow the budget...



  Eventually, a sort of reasonable-looking body was achieved, and painting was left to the now-nearly-vegetative President, who, despite the horrifying conditions of shop and self, managed to get most of the vehicle into a single shade of blue without collapsing on the hood, or just painting the wrong car altogether. Overall, by the standards of the Worst Shop in the Universe winner 8 years running, a pretty fair accomplishment, and noteworthy if only for a clear lack of moths, birds, and small rodents in the final finish.



Just "a few" things left to do...

  Eventually, Agent 8771 returned from his period of self-imposed exile, inevitably to discover to his horror that attempting to hide in the wilderness had only ensured that budgetary considerations had been completely abandoned in his absence, that his two hundred dollar junkyard piece-of-shit had been so thoroughly laboured upon as to be unrecognizeable, and, despite the monumental tab, the car was still completely dismantled and needing weeks of reassembly.

  Agent 8771 could not be reached for comment, having locked himself and his money-pit a safe distance away from the CWMC compound while he attempts to find some of the parts and scrape the "extra" primer off the vinyl top, etc.

Economic Nightmare Unfolds as 8771's High-School Piece of Shit Car Hemorrhages Funds

CWMC Improbable Body Works Division, Ardrossan, AB: With only the most perfunctory of opening ceremonies, Operation Haircut commenced Tuesday, signalling the beginning of a protracted effort to return Agent 8771's Ford Fairlane to some kind of roadworthy, presentable version of its former self. 
  Early in the planning stages of Haircut, it was observed that, when all of the of the Ford's  rusted / smashed beyond repair components were removed, there was only a roof, a couple of doors, and some Maiden tapes left to salvage. Another low- mileage granny 4 door was quickly procured by the CWMC underground and, as of this writing, is being demolished and rebuilt as 8771's hardtop coupe.
   On Wednesday, several Agents attended a top-secret closed-door meeting at HQ to discuss several funding irregularities becoming apparent early on, like:
  -The "parts car" cost 6 times more than the actual car, and was actually quite nice, until the President, quite cheerfully baked on Holiday Hash Brownies, cut it up with a grinder. 
 - In a familiar-looking scenario, the Fairlane budget deficit for this week exceeds the total deficit of all 25 previous years combined. Agent 8771 forges ahead, guns blazing as he orders up new carpets, seats, and shiny parts for his decrepit deathtrap. Blindly spending ones way out of danger seems to be the order of the day here, also.
  "Austerity measures will have to be implemented if we can't get this reckless disregard for budgetary guidelines under some kind of control." the President said at the close of the meeting, struggling to open another Heineken by smashing the top of it with his Rolex. "This could mean a return to the lean, low-dollar accessories of Agent 8771's youth, like $29.99 cassette decks (including 2 6x9's), gauges that drip oil on your pants, and used tires with the whitewalls blacked-out by a Jiffy marker."
  All agents are encouraged to please submit other possible budget-reduction strategies c/o this newsletter. Updates to follow as they are declassified.