Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Agent 1080 Lasts Almost 6 Days Before Buying Another Cordoba

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: Tuesday, 14:36 hrs, HQ receives a cryptic communique, carefully coded to confound casual criticism, requesting assistance re: Fresh Agency Cruiser. The letter was unsigned, but the Helvetica Bold Narrow on 32 lb. A4 double-glossy high-density stock was as good as any signature: Agent 1080 was in need of assistance.
  With the recent, much-celebrated sale of his Dodge Magnum, 1080 had gathered up enough funding to finance any number of potential Operations; what was he going to do? Freed from the long, rattling shackles of Magnum-atrimony, the world could open up to any number of amazing Agency Cruiser possibilities.

Agents arrive on the scene- property values affected.

  As the Pres- ident slowly smoked his way over to the Lean Burn Technologies compound to assist, his thoughts wandered; what wheeled wonder had so fully captivated the heart and mind of the ever-fickle, unpredictable Agent 1080 as to separate him from is hard-won Magnum-oney? The mind boggles with the opportunities.
  Perhaps another foray into BMW territory? Or, maybe we'll get to see some kind of exploration into the land of Italian dream machines; there were a couple of pretty cheap Lancias and Fiats for sale recently...
  What if we really got lucky and 1080 had found and acquired one of the rare Toyota Corona coupes? A couple more hits and the President was almost convinced this was the case. Maybe even a Peugeot 504 diesel showed up in the classifieds and 1080 went out and bought it before anyone at HQ noticed it...
  What about the Simca that popped up a couple of weeks ago?
 Maybe its a Skoda?

That doesn't look like a Peugeot...



1080 reports that All systems are go. Except for the Lean Burn Computer, which had lots of hammer-dents in it , and had been thoroughly disabled many years ago.


"New" Engine nets 25 Miles of Trouble-Free Motoring before Brakes Fail

CWMC Engines and Engine-Related Bullshit Division, Ardrossan, Ab: With renewed high hopes for a Presidential Fleet not entirely comprised of demolition derby champions, the CWMC team of grand-master-mechanics tackled the daunting "Operation Bratwurst" with typical grace and poise, making the near-impossible look only very unlikely under the circumstances.

Handy boat anchor for sale
  A quick look under the hood of the donor car confirmed that it did in fact have an engine, and therefore it must be a better one than the President had cobbled up a few years ago, apparently using dog food cans for pistons and stale Froot Loops for valve guides. Without further ceremony, or measuring, or even trying to get it to run, the hopefully-slightly-less-shitty powerplant was yanked and carefully not cleaned before some more Frankenstein-type bullshit was perpetrated upon it in the hopes that it might be hammered into the Presidents Panzer-wagen in due haste. The number of corners cut during the installation would enclose the orbit of Neptune; old gaskets, hoses, wires, filters, plugs and seals were all liberally coated with whatever semi-appropriate goo was at hand and unceremoniously slapped back on roughly where they were supposed to be. The President himself was called in briefly to help, but a recent series of later-than-usual nights had left him delusional, and he was only able to goose-step around the toolbox in full parade coveralls while hurling abuse at the varsol tank and occasionally sipping from a Super Big Gulp G&T, to combat the threat of malaria, apparently.
All Agents remember to pry off the trim rings.
  Eventually, a series of completely random events rendered the unit operational, and a short test drive seemed to indicate that the fresh 'plant was at least worthy of further consideration. With the smell of success in the air (success apparently smelling more than a bit like skunks), a more gruelling test was envisaged, maybe a trip to the store? Anything seemed possible in these heady times of Mercedes Benz ownership.
  Of course, as it was at Lotus, Failure is Always an Option at Cold War Motors, and it seems that the Presidents cars will find a way to order that option whenever possible. Within minutes of the engine being given a semi-clean bill of health, the brakes decided to apply themselves, and continue applying themselves until everything was nice and hot and smoking like a whisky-bong hit. Some hours later, this problem too was diagnosed, and remedied with another Funding Requisition and eventual purchase of new, non-plugged brake hoses. Installation was straightforward despite near-total sedation, but the subsequent test drive did manage to set some kind of record for most tools left still attached to a moving vehicle before they fell off in twos and threes on the highway.

A suspicious number of extra parts

  Overall, Operation Bratwurst is still being tentatively regarded as a success, despite running somewhere about 363% over budget and taking a year longer than necessary. This has got to rank near the top for any Operation involving the President in a hands-on capacity.
  Further details to be released as they are declassified. All Agents are encouraged to report to HQ for free sausages and lederhosen in recognition of this auspicious occasion.