Thursday, December 12, 2013

"Cumberland Rules" Clause Adds Spice as Winter Beater Challenge Heats up Again

  CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: Following in the tradition of the Hindenburg, Skylab, "Freedom 55" and General Motors, CWMC Agents and President alike have been hard at work as Operation Too Dumb to Quit swings into high gear with irresponsible amounts of effort and precious funding being invested in failed automotive paradigms with cryptic classifications like "Aries LE" and "99GL". Other Agents are getting in on the act as the snow season approaches, bringing with it the inevitable one-upmanship and rampant funding fraudulence of the Winter Beater Challenge.
Will Battle Cruiser #4 come out of retirement?
  Agent 533, not happy to be shepherd- -ing just one 2.2 Chrysler into antiquity, has taken the plunge again and is attempting to enlist a second version of this Klassic Kombo for winter duty; this time in the seductive form of an '85 Dodge Aries K. Beige, no less; with an automatic and a radio. 
533 with new WBC entry before tranny trauma...
  The radio, at least, appears to be in good order and seems to provide trouble-free access to AM frequencies, ensuring that 533 will remain informed of fluctuating hog prices and developing weather situations. Unfortunately, the car's only other option seems to have already resigned, leaving a smoky trail of fried clutches and dark-brown-Dexron II in its debris field. Rather than simply eat the $400.00 purchase price as a loss and sell the remains for science experiments, 533 has decided on to take the less-traveled road and invest in completely rebuilding the little slushbox on his floor at home, much to the delight of fellow Agents; always happy to experience their suffering vicariously and preferably with someone else's money.
   As this issue goes to press, 533 reports that "All systems are go... most of these extra little balls and springs and shit probably don't do anything anyway." 
  He then re-focused his attention on the pressing problem of propping up the power plant with cases of ammo and bits of kindling to facilitate the re-installation of the rebuilt unit. The President, called in to assist when competent collaborators could not be coerced, made himself useful by getting mega-ripped and eating leftover chocolate bars while leaning on the jack and going on at some length about how the Aries might be improved were it fitted with some dog-dish hubcaps and an oversized turbocharger.

  Agent 303, whose weakness for crippled ersatz-luxury barges has been well-documented in this newsletter, is not going to be left out this season, either. With a host of mid-70's FoMoCo heaps to choose from (sporting nicknames like "Garbage Truck", "Barnacle", and "Train Wreck"), 303 looks to be a serious contender again this year.
"Barnacle" shows 303 is at the top of his game.
   "I think I can put something together, but these guys are off the chain..." said Agent 303, citing again the "Cumberland Rules" clause when asked why his car had no trunk floor at all and only sporadic access to second gear. "If you got there, it's good to go" is basically the gist of the sentiment that sprang from the rather loose interpretation of the rules of 8-ball in certain parts of the country where 303 hails from originally.
 The President, whose brief encounters with reality tend to follow a depressingly familiar pattern, was last seen winding up a 4-day intercontinental booze cruise down at the local 7-11, abusing the proprietor over the scanty selection of Saab spares and equally miserable 4-carton stock of Export "Green Meanies", which were promptly commandeered in the interests of promoting a measure of diplomacy. 
I know some of you think we make this shit up.
  Sidelong smoke-break Saab-speculation seems to suggest this latest break with reality may have been precipitated by a desperate, month-long thrash to ready the ruined 99 for WBC '14 that went off the rails when the water pump shit itself immediately following the first successful test-drive, thus returning the car to spectator-status until further notice. After the bodywork, paint, wiring harness replacement, ball joints, interior rebuild, heater rebuild, brake rebuild and multiple-hour troubleshooting fuckstorm, the failure of the notorious Achilles-heel pump and the associated ferocity of the repair process combined with the absolute impossibility of locating replacement parts has taken its toll on Captain Crapulence's delicate connection with actuality. Again.
1080: Coulda been a contendah...
  Agent 1080 was determined to be a worthy rival this season, too, but seems to have gotten cold feet when his choice chariot 1978 Chrysler New Yorker returned gas mileage so utterly horrifying, so shockingly vile as to send him screaming for the anonymity of some kind of late-model salt-sled with which to make the commute and still be able to make the mortgage. His retreat has only made the remaining contestants more determined.

President's slowly seeping Saab: Fuck it, just bring a bucket.
  All Agents are encouraged to get in on the action as the snow is piling up and nothing says Happy Holidays like the smug satisfaction of a CWMC WBC Champion in a rusty deathtrap limping along the shoulder on the way to the annual drunk, ass-grabbing, tell-off-your-boss-and-puke-in-the-parking-lot office xmas party.