Sunday, August 29, 2010

Priceless Copy of "Convoy" Destroyed in 8-Track Fuckstorm

Presidential Battle Cruiser#4, Monday 27 Sept: On a rare venture outside the CWMC Compound Monday, the President narrowly avoided diplomatic disaster when his beloved 8- track player puked out his equally dear copy of Convoy: Songs About Big Trucks and Nice Tits. The President, desperate to avoid another protocol* meltdown with several other Agents aboard, saved the day by switching to AM Gold and handing out a lot of joints to soften the mood.
Later,when asked to comment on the technology fiasco, the heavily sedated President replied "At least it wasn't the only known working copy of Caress of Steel." He then continued to warble in a nasal falsetto for several minutes while making elaborate air-drum-fills and just generally tripping out on how sweet Caress of Steel is.
Nevertheless, the technology failure has inspired the next CWMC touring exhibit: Great Delete Panels of the Cold War Era: A Retrospective. Monthly instalments to follow.

*{Vol.2;Sec.3 [Agent Cruiser Handbook] Ch. 4 V.14;re:factory sound systems (must be kept operational)/8/ff/shit/app.3:err##}

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Shop Truck Saves the Day

Ardrossan, Ab: CWM's faithful Ford F250 came to the rescue again yesterday, helping with disaster relief efforts after a tree was blown across the driveway, injuring another tree and bruising several hundred apples in the seasons worst non-terrorist-related temporary road closure.

The President took a second to relate how, after he replaced the battery and fuel pump, fixed the rotten fuel line, bled the clutch cylinder, pumped up 3 flat tires, rebuilt the carb (again) and replaced the points, cap, plugs and wires, the mighty 223 roared to life and ran beautifully for several seconds before the little pin thingy keeping the shifter pointed straight broke off and halted cleanup efforts well into the late afternoon.

Once mechanical harmony had been restored to the shifter, operation Get this Shit off my Driveway proceeded without further incident. The F250 is taking a well deserved breather after its workout, resting peacefully in the center of the driveway, just where it broke down as soon as the tree was out of the way.

Operation Yard Ornament Another Success for Show Car Division

Cooking Lake, Ab: Lean Burn Technologies' annual car show and barbecue attracted entries from several agents, but in the end, the mortal remains of what was once a Plymouth Savoy belonging to none other than the President himself was voted "Western Canada's Worst Car" and shortlisted for the coveted "Worst Thing in the Known Universe" award, to be handed out on Wednesday, weather permitting.

Competition was fierce and the tension was palpable as votes were tallied, with the unbelievably wretched '68 Fury I 2-door post (6 cyl 3 speed stick!) and downright offensive grouping of Dodge Aspens garnering plenty of queasy looks and more than a few ballots.
The ensuing celebrations are best left un-retold. Suffice to say that there will definitely be a repeat of the event, but a couple of the cars won't be making the anniversary.

The President wishes to convey his continued enthusiasm for getting wickedly baked and looking at shitty old cars.

Agent 1080 could not be reached for comment, having decided to finish the keg by himself the next afternoon.

Facelift for Ageing CWM Facility

CWMC Storage Bunker, Ardrossan: The new, exciting, jet-age look to the facilities is not only keeping the water off the cars, its keeping up with the times.
"I like the steel roof" said the President in a rare phone interview from his summer home in Montreal where he is serving a 30-day house arrest for drunk & disorderly following an incident that, while regrettable, was quickly resolved with the purchase of a new back seat for the officer's car.
"It also keeps the government thought-control rays to a bare minimum" continued the Prez, apparently feeling no pain, thought-control-or-otherwise."But my fuckin' cell phone doesn't work inside now, so if I want to talk on the phone, I gotta go stand outside like an idiot, government beamin' thoughts, fuckin' mosquitoes, jesus."
The line goes dead here. All agents are encouraged to stay posted for more updates.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

CWMC Agents Debate Fleet Updates

Edmonton, Ab: A couple of recently comissioned Agency units are the source of some behind-closed-doors whispering concerning the legitimacy and worthiness of said transport. Agent 0311, in particular, is being taken somewhat to task over the purchase and refurbishment of a Toyota Tercel, while Agent 1080 basks in Presidential approval over his acquisition of yet another 440-powered, bleached cow-upholstered Chrysler NYB.

Agent 0311's mission to procure a late-model, fuel-injected reliability blob ended predictably in total failure last week with the purchase of a 26-year-old, carbureted Toyota. 0311 then added insult to injury when he comissioned a full cosmetic refurb, thus returning the ugliest car of the 1980s to something very near showroom condition.

"It looks like a calculator..." said a disbelieving 1080 upon seeing the mint Tercel for the first time, the Toshiba-esque lines of the wagon having failed to make more favorable comparisons easy.

Agent 0311, meanwhile, had little good to say about the big Chryslers that consistently find their way into 1080's garage. "The boy clearly has problems... what the hell is Lean Burn anyway?"

The President could not be reached for comment, having recently been seen bartering chickens for timing chains in the former French colonies of Africa.