Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Domestic Car Division Accidentaly Purchases a Rare and Interesting Car

CWMC Domestic Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: A missing Van Gogh? What-ever. The Venus De Milo? An armless rock. Dead Sea Scrolls? -yawn- Don't even get this reporter started.
  That's right, taking it's rightful place at the top rung of the amazingly accidental discoveries list...
Priceless patina intact...
  Another rusty 4-door sedan! Oh, the glory and fame that showered down upon the CWMC Cold Storage Yard! Reporters from all of the major enthusiast magazines jostled among the smouldering flash bulbs for a few words from the President, and busloads of bespectacled auction-house-heavyweight, double-black-belt car nerds slashed themselves pale on the compound's razor-wire perimeter fence, desperate for a glimpse of this year's most amazing automotive authentication. 
  The Army (well... the KISS Army) had to be called in briefly to help control the crowd, and to organize a pretty magic all-KISS Karaoke Kontest, which was later cancelled when the posters were printed using a poor choice of abbreviations and unfortunate, burning-cross imagery borrowed from Sabbath.
It's radio delete, of course.
  Eventually, some semblance of order was restored and The Prez, his disappoint- ment at not being elected Pope plain to see and his countenance betraying clearly the type of fatigue that only long-term drug and alcohol abuse coupled with the screaming of profanity at inanimate objects for hours at a time can produce, did manage a speech so foul, so bereft of redeemable qualities in even the briefest of passages that it shall serve as a maledictive high-water mark for generations to come, and as a reminder of the perils of letting unedited speechwriters and reporters consume copious quantities of magic mushrooms before large, public events.
Worth its weight in...well, steel.
  The 1951 Kaiser Special was apparently some kind of coral pink metallic back when houses were less than 10 grand and the future was still something to be looked forward to, but the brilliant paint, like that naive post-war optimism, has faded to nothing but rust and failure. Appropriate, then, that the CWMC HARASS (Half-Assed Researchers And Serial # Sleuths) team would deliver this car to HQ months before discovering its unusual, Canadian origins. One of only 1000 made in Canada, and one of only three known to survive, it is thought that the car's extreme rarity and nice color combination could place its value somewhere around $275.00, making it the first car in the history of CWMC that turned out to be worth more than the purchase price.

  In other ground-breakingly, critically important news, the President has chosen a surprise, come-from-outta-nowhere winner upon whom to bestow this season's omni-coveted Winter Beater of the Year. Seldom has the WBOTY selection process been an easy one, with the debate invariably degenerating fairly quickly to drunken name-calling, followed by outright hostility and usually ending badly, culminating in trips to the hospital, jail, or rehab. Or all three. 
This is how we do it...

 This year, however, there was one Agency S.C.U.M. Cruiser that stood out from the crowd of throwaway Taurii and flaky Fox-bodies, and it was unanimously decided that Agent 303 would take home the honors for his visionary, brave choice of a 1972 Olds 98 coupe.
  Its menacing facade still shiny in several places, this gigantic General generates a whole fuckload of 9 mpg BTU's inside as Agent 303 reclines in plush velour armchair awesomeness, isolated from the world and its lesser machines. He is not concerned that he has to start the car with a race-car-set trigger-style device from under the hood, nor with the smorgasbord of different tires at each corner; 303 knows that he is rolling the only way that matters... with Full Presidential Approval.
Do you think these guys know each other?