Monday, January 31, 2011

Inventory Shuffle Imminent as Storage Facilites Fail

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker, Ardrossan, Ab.: With twigs and beer cans holding the collapsing roof away from some of his favourite cars, the President is again being forced to at least acknowledge the possibility that some excess inventory should be liquidated in the interest of advancing a general policy of sanity and achievement-orientedness.
  The real problem, besides the obvious one involved in convincing innocent victims to purchase said excess inventory, would be actually permanently reducing the body count, and not just filling all the newly freed up space with more derelict shitheaps.
Low miles, slight weed smell...
  The President, having been very reluctantly convinced to put upon the block his beloved Battle Cruiser #4, would be only too accommodating to any number of opportunities to fill the hole in the garage with some dangerously bad idea cars, any one of which would happily suck funding ad nauseum. Agent 0311 is lobbying pretty convincingly on behalf of the entire Vintage Import Wagon Division for storage space to be assigned to one of several ancient Mazda station wagons of indeterminate age and pedigree; one still sporting a spiffy 8 lb cow shit on the hood, perhaps an omen? What could go wrong with a 40 year-old, rotary-engined, rusty Jap car sitting in a field with no keys, no history, and no tangible support network at all? 
Wankel-wagon still collecting pessimistic reviews
  Joining the 'Port in the classifieds will be the 1959 Mercedes 190D, a vehicle so far beyond realistic hope of salvation that even the President is beginning to see that it will never amount to anything but a decent yard decoration / wild animal refuge. The Remarketing Division hopes to increase the curb appeal with a set of GT Hood Stripes and a couple of tires that hold air, but no one is holding their breath for a speedy sale. More likely, it will end up thrown in with the 1964 Rambler Cross Country as a part-exchange on something even more ridiculous. The Prez has his eye on some Soviet-era iron rusting in the same field as the aforementioned Mazda treasures. Skoda 120 Rapid, anyone? Lada Niva, perhaps? The mind swims with the possible nightmare scenarios should the Prez take the Eastern-Bloc route...
  "I like the idea of vodka-powered cars" said the President earlier today in an interview from his mobile command centre, smashing through rush-hour traffic while stolen U.N. Diplomatic fender flags waved contemptuously at the stricken commuters.
 Meanwhile, all Agents are encouraged to stay off the roads for the rest of the day, and keep sending suggestions for possible Agency Cruisers via this newsletter.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Awards Week Kicks Off With Usual Good Taste

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab.; The 24th Annual President's Choicest Awards of Distinction "Week of Unparalleled Self-Medication and Contrived Pageantry" began earlier this month and should be wrapping up, pending recovery of control of the microphone from Agent 0313, as this issue goes to press.
 Another banner year for the Company has left the President in a dangerously celebratory mood, and he swerves as charmingly as he can from appearances to various half-remembered appointments, always with time for a G&T or a couple of monster whisky-bong rips to take the edge off. Thus equipped, the President has collected enough of his "insights" to offer a couple of bests of 2010.
 Best Photo Op for a Presidential Battle Cruiser went to Agent 100013 for his all-agents, ultra-top-secret meeting, skillfully disguised as his own wedding. Amazing. Truly top-notch work, there.
The coveted Most Canadian Thing Ever award was again a nail-biter, but in the end the work entitled Rusty 1982 Chev 1/2 ton with Canopy and Canada Flag Novelty Plate, entered (without his knowledge) by Agent 747, was actually eclipsed by the President's own Tim Hortons Coffee Maker Box Radiator Blind and 1200-amp Battery in 1972 Plymouth. Wow! The President wins again!
Best Freebie was another tough call for the increasingly confused President, as he often forgets what he paid for, or just forgets to pay for things altogether. Eventually, the 1964 Rambler Cross-Country narrowly bested the 1966 Blaupunkt AM radio. Assuming neither of them is stolen. 
Best Beater (Summer) was handed to the 1972 Honda 750, just beating out Battle Cruiser #3 1972 Chrysler by virtue of its being louder and faster. It also starts with less ritual, despite having four carbur- ettors and two sets of breaker points, and gets five times better gas mileage. 
 With all the fanfare and media pressure mounting, the President scheduled a press conference for the Saturday following the awards ceremony, but was belligerent and uncooperative when asked to defend his perennial choice of Seagrams & Canada Dry for Best Road Food. 
All Agents stay tuned for more updates, to be posted as they are declassified.
Read and Burn, as usual.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Winter Beater Contest gets Serious

Lean Burn Technologies, Cooking Lake AB: With the season well underway, Agent 1080 has decided that this year's President's Choicest Winter Beater of Distinction award belongs in his garage, even if the vehicle itself will not fit.
Last year's winner
  The President himself took a closely contested win last year in the Bluesmobile, but the sale of that unit left the door open for a fresh take on the annual battle of the beaters.
  Not everyone would have short-listed the 1963 Fargo 5-ton cab-and-chassis while casually perusing the classifieds last week, but Agent 1080 knows that to win the coveted PCWBD takes some serious effort, and some lateral thinking. 18 inches of soft, fluffy snow is not really an obstacle for a vehicle with 22 inches of ground clearance and 40- inch tall rubber.
  Agent 1080 does concede a few points against the Fargo 500. The 30-foot-long, 11000 lb vehicle is a bit tight when doing deliveries in downtown traffic, for instance, and the unsychronized 4-speed with split differential does not give the lightning-fast shifts that 1080 craves. The Fargo's top speed is a very un-1080-like 57 mph, thoroughly confirmed on an 18- hours-at-redline drive to pick up the unit from Calgary. The gasoline mileage, not normally something that crosses the minds of the agile but preoccupied corporate collective at LBT, can only be described as heartbreaking, and the bring-a-ladder entry-egress to the lofty cab is bound to induce some mild resentment starting the second or third time you have to make the climb. Manual steering, single (leaking) master cylinder brakes, and a manual-choked 318 poly-head V8 complete the experience in true Winter Warrior style.
 With all this going for it, it wasn't hard to predict the inevitable seal of Full Presidential Endorsement for this latest adventure in snow-blind motoring, and to suggest that all Agents should start shopping now for next winter, if you think you know the magic combination of toughness and inappropriateness that secures this much-coveted prize.
  "I hope to see some more heavy-duty approaches to many future Operations..." said the President on Thursday, in a reflective mood following the arrival of his new double-percolated-whisky bong with optional wall-mount fixture.