Thursday, November 22, 2012

French Car Division Makes Short Work of New Storage Facility

  CWMC Compound, Ardrossan, Ab: Monday, 3:09 PM: the President, having escaped the protective custody of his marginal, 3-drink-lunch-y "bodyguards", embarked on an insane French-car bender that has had a disastrous effect on the already precarious parking situation at HQ. The body count continues to mount as the first wave of defense, the aptly and recently christened "Shame Fence", or "Fence du Shame" as it is known locally, has been immediately and ruinously overrun by an unstoppable and unsightly onslaught of Euro-junk the likes of which hasn't been seen since the latest 5-year Greek Government bond auction.
  Counting on and receiving the implicit endorse- ment of the ever- treacher- ous French Car Division, the President's Tactical Assault Recovery Team Specialists (TARTS) located one of the last remaining Citroen DS hoards in Canada and proceeded to secure said stylish stash and move it back to HQ. For those unfamiliar with the process of moving dead D's with no steering racks, tires, suspension, or tangible tie-down topography, the process is best described as "tedious".
Fence Du Shame: Had no chance.
   All Agents quickly and wisely made themselves scarce when it came time to attempt the unloading of these new prizes, leaving El Presidente to his own devices and thus rendering the synapse count effectively zero as incapacitated, rusty hulks of French engineering genius were shoveled around by an intoxicated enthusiast and his unimpressed canine supervisor. New, soaring heights of profanity and blasphemy were achieved as bottomed-out cars, bald-tired tow vehicle, and raunchy trailer all took turns getting impossibly stuck in the fresh powder. Luckily, a bemused local happened by and, thinking that some natural disaster must have occurred by the looks of the compound, unceremoniously pushed the whole goddamn shitty mess back out onto the road with his tractor. 
Just one of the FCD's parking "colonies".
  G&Ts were procured and sanity quickly prevailed; orders to retreat to HQ for self-congratulatory bong-rips and beluga were duly issued and enthusiastically seconded by all parties.

Who cares if it fits; so cool...
  Along with the carcasses has arrived an absolutely inappropriate volume of parts, ranging from rusty steering racks and rusty doors all the way to rusty fenders and rusty wheels. The sheer volume of decrepit detritus accompanying the Operation has reduced the normally catastrophic state of the Cold Storage Bunker #4 to a condition which frankly beggars the imagination of even the most jaded junk hoarder. Plans to attempt a rationalization of the stacks of panels and boxes of obtuse Citroen-only fasteners, switches and pumps are early in the drafting process and tangible results will wait, along with any kind of realistic inventory control protocol, until at least the fiscal year-end and its coincident annual Presidential rehab stint.
Everything carefully organized, of course.
Raders? Buy 'em.
  All Agents are please encouraged to remain optimistic as fallout from the President's recent acquittal on charges of racketeering and embezzlement continues to make life difficult for Agents seeking huge, irresponsible home-equity loans for speed boats, vintage Raders, awesome intake manifolds, etc. Updates to follow, etc.