Friday, December 30, 2011

Mudflaps and Deathtraps: Show us your Grips

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: While winter winds up to maximum, style-conscious Agents are already modeling this year's latest looks in rusty rims and subversively salty sidewalls. 
Agent 4261 shows how it's done.
  That's right: the slushy, sodium-slurry sultans of Operation S.C.U.M. are alive and well and spreading the word with freezing-temperature-fashions for Agency Winter Cruisers.
Just a little crud can go a long way, but to really pull off the look, a certain attention to detail and some well-placed waste will send your ride to the darker side; you're an ambassador of anarchy with a 12-ply rating.
The obligatory Grandpa Grips of yore have been largely superseded by more modern, softer-looking winters that actually probably work pretty well; but this doesn't mean they can't look nasty. A few simple tricks can be found in the ever-helpful Field Agent Guide to Vehicle Appearance: Chapter 43 of Jimmy's Letter to his Lawyer, verses 11-13: 
Dirty white letters are a can't-miss.
  Thine fronts and thine rears shall not be of the same size, nor the same brand, nor age, nor type. Let not thine rims be too Goddamn shiny, either; for vanity is a sin for summer. Thou shalt do this in remembrance of me; for thou knowest who thou art. Yes, I'm looking at thou. 

  In other important news, the President has finally announced the winner of this years coveted President's Choicest Winter Beater of Distinction award.
Attention to detail is everything.
  At a mercifully brief and largely unattended press conference held earlier this week, the President, quite obviously very much leaning very heavily upon the podium, announced that this year's PCWBD would be going home with Agent 100013, for his inspired '87 5.0. The Prez went on at some considerable length about the stomach-turning appropriateness of the "stolen at least 6 times" vibe that 100013's rusty, broken, rattle-stang radiated. He probably could have kept his Oscar-acceptance-length speech a little tidier with out going into such a passionate endorsement of the chopped-off blue bottle exhaust and the interior full of used tires, but most present considered the event a success as it concluded without substantial vomiting or violence.
Another masterpiece from the fertile mind of Agent 100013.
  Perennial PCWBD champ Agent 1080 was a strong contender with his 1974 Chrysler Newport, but was taken out of the running when he inexplicably sold the 'Port and bought some kind of late-model shame-blob. Sanctions are being considered as this issue goes to press; updates to follow, etc.
  Another usually-strong suitor, Agent 0311, was also DQ'd this year because of the final, long-overdue expiration of his latest, and probably last, Volvo 245. 0311 has chosen to drive his sweet Saab 9000 year-round, and is getting a few hurt looks from HQ. A couple of other Agency Cruisers were considered, but in the end none of them could touch 100013's Rustang for sheer S.C.U.M. appeal. The huge hole in the dash with wires puking out of it everywhere was just the icing on the cake after a thorough and carefully documented inspection revealed a bounty of decay and abuse that spells "winning" every time.
Saline Motorsports Edition: Sacrificial Salty Supercar.
  The President was very nearly overcome with the sheer mag- nificence of 100013's achieve- ment; he stood, weaving quite noticeably now, and presented the trophy to a completely random passer-by before getting into a cab and trying to start it with a cocktail fork for several minutes while the police were called in to assess the situation and grab a couple of sausage rolls left over from the reception. 
   All Agents are requested to stop in and try to help clean up some of the extra drinks.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Downsizing Policy Derailed by Presidential Subterfuge

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker #1, Ardrossan, Ab: With all available auto storage spoken for, and the rest of the CWMC compound reduced to overflow parking for a bottomless pit of rusty restoration projects and parts, the in-house Department of the Treasury has finally seen fit to introduce a much-needed downsizing policy in an attempt to stave off inevitable financial, social, and aesthetic ruin.
VJBD getting crowded
  Unfortunately, and not for the first time, the President has chosen to carefully misinterpret the spirit of the agreement, and rather than downsize the actual collection, has simply shifted his focus from acquisition of large, heavy, 4-wheeled clunkers to a short-term substitute policy of hoarding smaller, more easily handled, ancient motorcycles; particularly the wind-up toy variety of 1960's-era machinery favored by the Vintage Jap Bike Division.
  These miniature machines have gained favour lately as their tidy dimensions and light weight allow them to be easily positioned in between other vehicles, whereby the collecting can continue unchecked for the time being.
Important stuff, indeed.
  When other Agents were polled on the subject of the President's downsizing efforts, wittier wags wondered whether the new policy was in fact a de facto endorsement of his apparent fixation on all things 2-stroke, and if the smell of 20:1 had finally gotten to what was left of both his mental and structural facilities. Others suggested that perhaps the pile of projects would hit a critical mass at some point, and level off as the Prez shifted focus to ever-smaller collectibles, filling the gaps with old video-game consoles, cell-phones, Matchbox cars, ashtrays, and little bits of string or shiny pebbles.
They fit just about anywhere...
  "Sometimes you just have to adapt to the situation..." said the President today in an interview from his office at HQ, where he could just be seen behind a vast wall of empty Slurpee cups, stacking dusty drifts of old Bargain Finders and Auto Traders while draining a couple of robust G&Ts between bong hits. 
  "...there's always room for another important piece of history."
   Meanwhile, the VJBD is pleased to announce that there are now enough parts in the building to attempt the reconstruction of the 1966 Suzuki S-32 procured last week in a top-secret trade for one of the half-dozen snowmobiles marked for disposal after a brief bout with sanity revealed that, while 23 motorcycles is a reasonable number, 14 sleds is just silly. Look for regular blue-smoke updates to follow as they are declassified.
Anyone up for Missile Command?
  All Agents are encouraged to please report to HQ this week and attempt to liberate some square-footage in any one of the CWMC buildings by drinking as much beer as possible and just sort of shoving things around.