Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Rusty Floors Exhibit Coming Together Nicely

Outdoor Storage Compound, CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: After an exhaustive and painstaking search, the centerpiece of what promises to be the must-see exhibit at Cold War Motors this spring has been tracked down, shot, and dragged back to HQ to be prepared for presentation at this year's "Presidential Awards of Distinction" gala, coming sometime in May.
Perseverance paid off with this gem.
   Soft sounds of sympa- thetic sibilance accom- panied the unloading of the 1958 Mayfair coupe as appre- hensive Agents from various Divisions queued up to catch a glimpse of the latest installation in a long-running series of profoundly poor car-buying decisions that have become the President's signature style. 
Dodge #2 is also very impressive.
 Despite repeated requests for funding to subsidize some of the more glaring storage issues, the Domestic Car Division has proceeded with Operation Fred and Barney: Floorless Fashions of the Fabulous Fifties- one man's vision and $2270.00 worth of fucked-up Dodges.
  "Don't miss this nostalgia-fest of soggy carpets, crumbling seat cushions, and rotten rocker panels," says the March issue of Automobile Quarterly magazine; " ...hats off to the dedicated artists of the Domestic Car Division for putting together this fabulous collection of ferric oxide and mossy underlay for the world to enjoy."
Dodge #4 is settling in.
In the CWMC equivalent of a Grand Opening, all of the Dodges will be brought together for a rare photo session, as soon as enough old bias-plies can be scrounged up from various tire piles to get the frame rails off the ground and mobile.
#3 is down at the stern.
  "Making the best of a colossal fuck-fest like this one will take all the skills that this Division can muster..." said rolling-stock retailer Agent 100013 earlier this week when asked for an approximate date of completion for the tire-fitment program. Interestingly, tire choice remains an important part of the display, while panel fit and mechanical viability take a back seat (also not included) here again, still subject to the vagaries of the ever-incomprehensible Agent Field Guide to Vehicle Appearance, re: Ch. 14, v. 1-6 (rev. 2):
Wanted: double pins.
   "Suffer not thine yard ornaments to wear aging all-seasons; the path to righteousness lies in the enlistment of the unholiest of ancient Firestone 500 double-pinstripe 6.50-14s. Christ knows, tires are everything."
That's more like it.

Dodge #1 actually moves.
  Unable to be reached directly for comment due to the difficult nature of his bail conditions, the President has released a short statement from his yacht, moored just outside the jurisdiction of those who would see him incarcerated for what amounts to not much more than a series of unfortunate misunderstandings involving a couple of sexy lab technicians, an army-surplus gravity bong, and a "liberated" Russian Zenit 2SB launch vehicle.
#1 shows how its done.

  "G&T supplies low; send money." read the brief but clearly heartfelt letter of congratulation. 
  HQ remains the scene of some consternation as the annual slushy mud-bog continues to thwart efforts to move units into position for the upcoming Opening Night festivities, sure to be dimly recalled for months to come.
  All Agents are please encouraged to report to HQ for a couple of cold ones, followed by a brief refresher course on the many financial and lifestyle perks of obsessive-compulsive car hoarding. 
Happy hunting!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

French Car Division Unrepentant Following Latest Funding Scandal

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker #3, Ardrossan, Ab: Subsequent to a brief and blissful period of relative inactivity, the budget-busting brainchildren of the French Car Division have just recently launched Operation Get This Crepe Out of my Yard.
  As usual, at least part of the blame for this latest in a long series of baguette-beater-bargains can be attributed to CWMC French-Car-Division ringleader and hydro-pneumatic high-priest, Agent 747.  Through his extensive underground network that dates back decades to the relative heyday of 1970's-era Francophilia, the location of the ailing 1971 DS20 Estate was ascertained and a small recovery team of Agents dispatched to retrieve the unit from the predictably quiet, brainy residential area where it had lain dormant for multiple years under a large, dripping willow, with commensurate cosmetic corrosion easily evident.
Sticker adds much-needed redneck cred.
As Operation Versailles is still at best two or three years from viability, a sub- stantially less deconstructionist approach to this latest double-chevron driver was adopted, with restoration efforts being largely geared towards bare-minimum safety and presentability standards intended to provide several interim seasons of floaty French fun while the arduous, nut-and-bolt reconstruction of the President's other 1971 DS continues at a pace that makes continental drift look like AA/Fuel Altered.
Stella is ready to go.
   It is also not entirely by accident that at least one of the Citroens will remain fully assembled at all times to serve as a rolling instruction book to be consulted when it becomes evident that, just maybe, the President might have forgotten where a few of the thousands of unrecognizable grommets, twisted steel lines, proportioning valves, hoses, and 7mm screws are supposed to go. Suggestions to Agent 747 that perhaps he should be the lucky expert tasked with re-installing the famously fiendish wiring harness have thus far been met with polite laughter, followed by convincingly feigned deafness and sudden, just- remembered "appointments" to be kept.
Agent 747 sold this one back in the 80's, too.
  Having con- structed at sizable personal expense a veritable Maginot Line-of-Credit, the President defended the FCD's blatant thievery and book-keeping chicanery while remaining officially detached and still nominally capable of addressing the ferocious funding fiasco with a protracted propaganda assault aimed at mitigating the effects of record-low morale among the administrative personnel at HQ.
Parked in CSB III with CX, 604, and non-French rubbish.
  "I think we've probably seen the worst of it already," said the President today in a brief interview from the second floor of the old Liquor Control Board store where he was hiding out from police asking questions about a missing Gulfstream II, a $979.00 room-service bill at Holiday Inn Havana in the name of Pancho Del Benzino, and several pending paternity suits involving tellers at First National Bank of Uruguay.
  "...it looks as though everything is going to work itself out in time for Chicken Wing Mayhem at the Sawmill on Thursday."
  All Agents are please encouraged to stop by HQ for bong hits, followed by a brief salary review (Hint: don't get your hopes up) and boozy speculation about the future of fiat currencies and Fiat Chryslers. Same hint applies.