Friday, September 30, 2011

Inventory Blowout Generates Fresh Funding

CWMC  Remarketing Division, Side of the Road, Ardrossan, Ab: With summer a vague memory and fall fast turning to whatever season follows it, the President has authorized an all-out inventory liquidation in an attempt to free up some much-needed square footage in the various cold-storage bunkers, currently overflowing with a veritable cornucopia of crumbling castoffs in various states of un-roadworthiness. A delightful lineup of hopeful-looking debris was towed or pushed to the edge of the compound and left near the adjoining highway to entice passers-by and further dampen local property values.

  Scarcely had a week passed when an actual customer stopped in and procured the 1964 Rambler Cross-Country, netting the Prez a cool $325.00 profit after some spirited haggling and what-me-with-a-family-to-feed-type bullshit. Batteries (and fuel pump, shock towers, floors, etc.) of course, not included.

Stella ruins picture #539

  Next to go was the 1970 Chevrolet Bel-Air, possibly the only decent car Cold War Motors has ever sold; certainly one of a very small number that may ever see the back of a plate being screwed to its bumper again. Small cash profit, and cause for celebratory bong rips all-round. The President was actually a bit sad to see this one go, but the pile of threatening hate mail from Agent 1080 was beginning to get the better of him, and CWM's only GM car is just a memory now.
Bring cash. And gas.

  Despite a boozy summer's worth of half-assed wrenching and hammering, the "Operation Yard Ornament" 1962 Plymouth Belvedere is proving no easier to sell now than when it arrived in boxes. Perhaps the lack of a wiring harness or gas tank has something to do with this; then again, it could just be the fact that it is a 1962 Plymouth, a car that was hard enough to sell when it was brand new. GT Hood Stripes have been duly applied in an attempt to spruce up the ugliest car in the fleet, but to little effect. Two-digit offers are now being considered as the snow approaches...
There are at least seven good parts in there somewhere. 

  Also still "on the hill" are the 1983 Ford F150 (get-this-piece-of-shit-out-of-my-yard priced at $350.00) and the President's personal Battle Cruiser #4 1976 Chrysler Newport Custom. This mobile monument to political incorrectness is not exactly flying off the shelves, either, possibly because not as many people are colourblind as the Remarketing Division had hoped. If golf-course-green brocade is your thing, this supertanker sweetheart is ready-to-go at $4900.00.
  Just when things were looking up, parking space-wise, our fearless leader has seen fit to give a home to yet another of Canada's rustiest Chryslers. This flyblown carcass might have been a Dodge Regent coupe back when the American car industry was the envy of the world, but its pretty hard to tell anymore. Just what the rationale was behind this bit of impulse-buying is lost on everyone, but all Agents are encouraged to stop in and contemplate the decision-making processes demonstrated therein.

  After the profits were totalled up and apprpriate numbers were crunched, it slowly became obvious that the Prez was going to still be about fifty grand shy of the price of a new shop truck. Rather than get a real job or keep embezzling funding from his own company, the Chief Cheapskate simply knocked a couple of zeros off the budget and went with the 1989 Dodge 150, complete with optional peeling paint and rust decor group. HQ reports that all systems (with the exception of the air, cruise, temp and oil guages) are go. So far. 

New Cold Storage Bunker Hailed by Critics

C.W.M.C. Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: Pundits are positively priapic over the latest addition to the President's empire of empty materialism. Architectural Digest magazine is calling the new Cold Storage Bunker #3 "A breathtaking achievement; conceived and constructed without compromise... a new standard of superiority in all facets of its design and execution."
  The new structure, reverently referred to as the CSBIII amongst the privileged few to have glimpsed its glorious facade, has only recently been unveiled to stunned audiences worldwide, prompting breathless, gushing hyperbole from all who have witnessed the first great architectural masterpiece of the 21st century.
  As you approach the imposing main entrance, you are struck by the setting; mountains of used tires, dead motorcycles, and twisted panels frame your vision, creating a tranquil, yet awe-inspiring promenade for visitors and Agents alike. How many hours did (two) men labour to create such beauty? The mind can scarcely grasp the sheer audacity of the concept, much less comprehend the absolute numbers: almost two hundred 2x6x10s, forty-five sheets of the finest 7/16" OSB, imported from Hinton, four, yes, four windows of the finest quality that could be had for free, twenty-eight sheets of steel roofing panels acquired in an epic journey to the far Eastern Hutterite colony in Holden; the list goes on, each item more outrageous than the last. Literally thousands of the cheapest finest nails were sacrificed to this great project; the final cost of this heroic monument to one man's car-storage vision is likely to be in the thousands of dollars, but actual costs may never be known due to the, shall we say, imprecise nature of the CWMC Accounting Division's, er, accounting.
  While the President basks in the accolades of the worlds press, one slightly worrying fact is becoming apparent: it's already full. Full, that is, of enough rusty rubbish to occupy the careers of three generations of welders, preppers, and painters.
  "Well, I'll just build another one." said a glazed-looking President today in an interview from the Taco Bell parking lot in Lacombe, where he was seen wrestling seagulls for discarded enchilada wrappers in an attempt to cut costs after the latest round of funding requisitions was denied by friends and family alike.
  "Food is pricey these days, but indoor parking is priceless."
  All agents are encouraged to avoid HQ for the next couple of weeks as the President, desperate for funding, has resorted to Delorean-esque tactics like selling off his shitty home-grown weed at $2300.00/oz.