Sunday, March 31, 2013

President under Pressure as he Defends French Car Division's Accounting Atrocities

CWMC French Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: The appearance at HQ of yet another shab-tastic five-speed Franco-diesel has apparently pushed the Accounting Division over the edge. The French Car Division's debt / GDP ratio, mathematically unsustainable and climbing for years now, has finally reached it's "hockey-stick" phase, and landed the President in court to defend himself and his favorite Division from the wrath of the Company's calculator commandos.
  The list of charges reads like a who's who of bad decisions: DS, CX, 604, 505... more oxidizing continental curiosities than any single company could hope to maintain without concocting some profound pecuniary prevarication.
  "The FCD's track record here speaks for itself, I'm afraid," said Agent 313 in an exclusive interview on CBC 2 today, "...there doesn't seem to be any real hope of fabricating some kind of a defensible high ground from which we can ward off these totally accurate- I mean crazy, charges."
  His High-ness, whose personal style has been accused by some of
" grandiosity; given to Gatsby-esque Ferris-wheel installations and booze-cruising a dented yellow Silver Ghost in pipe-and-slippers-by-the-fire attire..." 
(The World's Biggest Assholes, Newsweek, July 1982.)
remains confident in the face of the overwhelming evidence against him and his FCD cohorts.
  "We'll just bullshit our way out of it. Booze, hookers, and speedboats for the right people and the whole stupid thing will go away. It's worked for thousands of years, so I don't expect there to be any change now. We'll just get them to 'lend' us the 'money', or whatever, and, well, fuck-'em, you know... is that mic on?"
  The President's own "manifesto" is expected to be presented as evidence in the case against him and his Company; drawn heavily from his earlier works of equally dubious merit, and reiterating similar "paranoid" themes of corruption and debauchery at every turn, it is believed unlikely to characterize him to the judiciary in a sympathetic and generous light.
  Court was adjourned briefly this afternoon until the President could be located, and, presumably, tidied up enough to make an appearance on the stand for some lively cross-examination by the attorney for the Accounting Division. A brief excerpt follows:
  All Agents have been advised to just keep up the good work, and don't, whatever you do, pull your "RRSPs" out of the company account and use the money for something meaningful. Everything is fine, just don't worry about it. Look! A tiger!
  Oh, it's gone now. Carry on.