Thursday, March 31, 2011

0311's Custom Exhaust Division is Open for Business

CWMC Chassis Engineering Division, Ardrossan, Ab: All Agents take note: 0311's passion for performance and quality is moving to the next level as he abandons his meaningless professional engineer status to persue his lifelong ambition of manufacturing custom exhaust systems out of bean cans and screw-style hose clamps of various diameters.
Another perfect repair.
  When his beloved Agency S.C.U.M.  Cruiser 1979 Volvo 245 (somehow not yet impounded by the police) started making enough racket to raise eyebrows and set off car alarms (see Banned Accessories in Agency Handbook) in posh car parks downtown, 0311 didn't just head for the nearest muffler shop, or worse, new-car dealership, he again took matters into his own hands and "...fixed that shit right up" in the time-honoured tradition.
  This latest in a long series of bean-can-do success stories owes so much to all the years 0311 spent honing his can-craft skills on a who's-who list of the worst cars ever employed by a still reasonably non-alcoholic professional.
  "This was a fairly straightforward downpipe upgrade," said 0311 today during a debriefing session held (as usual) at the Burger Baron on 75 street, "nothing as fancy as some of my earlier pieces, some of which entailed multiple
- layers of stacked repairs for optimum performance."
  The President was on hand during the process to offer moral support and administer bong hits as required to keep everything rolling along smoothly. After several revisions to the original plans had been drafted, checked, and signed, the actual work would continue well into the night, with several unavoidable stops for beer and drugs only fuelling the relentless drive for perfection.
  All Agents are encouraged to attend one of 0311's seminars on the subject of bean-can engineering solutions. A thorough and entertaining lecture is followed by some hands-on training time and, as usual, it all wraps up with some serious boozing to keep things friendly.

Agent 747's Citroen Practically Finishing Itself

 747's Top-Secret Facilite- Francaise, Ardrossan, Ab: With spring fast approaching, Agent 747 has again renewed his annual pledge to return his Agency Cruiser 1966 Citroen DS to the road this year, pending completion of the simple, straightforward reassembly process familiar to Citroen enthusiasts worldwide.
  A mere 27 years after taking the car apart (2 businesses, 3 shops and 4 houses ago), Agent 747 is casually reassembling his own version of the car he completely dismantled in a fit of unparalleled optimism and idealistic niavite back in the days of viable Peugeot franchises and profitable Lada salesmanship.
  Draining a substantial savings account built up over years of curbing totalled Civics and Corollas (many with the President's signature patch 'n' splash body work), Agent 747 is closing in on what will be the most exhaustively re-engineered DS in Canada, featuring plenty of Johnny Cash-like "One Piece at a Time"-style upgrades. The DS is a car well-suited to mix 'n' match parts sourcing, especially when your yard is packed with the remains of at least a dozen D's of unknown origin and age. 747's Cruiser will feature early-style dashboard, "frogeye" fenders with optional fogs, and a later DS-23 full leather interior, along with a rare 5-speed column-shift transmission from one of the last models. Even the President is Fully Terrified at the number of potential compatibility issues to be overcome. Just in case the project was becoming too simple, 747 has redesigned and built an entirely new wiring harness from scratch, using only a Yoda-like holistic vision of French electrics, and a lot of shrink-wrap.
  The President's own DS, currently acting as a shelf for Ford parts, awaits the attention of Agent 747 in the hope that this 27-year schedule can be bumped up a bit in order to free up some workshop space for any one of the dozen or so pieces of shit still languishing in the cold storage bunker.
  "I guess I'll just try to remember where I put everything..." said the President in a brief phone interview from the Days Inn in Lloydminster, where another court-mandated trip to rehab is failing spectacularly as usual.
 Updates to follow as they are declassified.