Monday, February 28, 2011

Global Economic Meltdown Has Little Effect on Demand for Sweet Hot Rods

 CWMC Body Works Division, Ardrossan, Ab: The complete collapse of our world-wide-pyramid-scheme economic system is apparently unable to stem demand for old, pre-war Ford sedans and coupes that have been fitted at great expense with hugely powerful engines and, most fortunately for the President, ridiculously self-indulgent paint jobs requiring hundreds and hundreds of hours of meticulous fucking-around. 
  "I am pretty sure John Maynard Keynes would shake his head at the state of things on a macroeconomic level," said the President today in a telephone interview from his private yacht, the SS Rich Asshole "but even Keynes would probably want a couple extra coats of clear and a polished intake manifold."
  While governments around the world encourage their own citizens to crush their own cars in the name of "stimulating the economy" (apparently making people buy new cars right fucking now instead of later, or next year, or whenever, is sound economics), a small minority of apparently insane people are actually fixing the cars they already own, and not lining up to purchase the latest motorized toasters offered by whatever is left of the sick and dying "new car" infrastructure.
Meanwhile, the most powerful people in the world have just turned on the printing presses, given their ultimate rip-off a cute name (Q.E! Why even care what it means?) and started filling their speedboats with enough booze and hookers to last them a while in exile, while the rest of the world watches like the sheep they know we are.
Another lucky Ford owner unloading cash for precious metal
"Spend it now, before we are lighting our smokes with worthless paper money." warned the President, lighting another spliff with a crisp twenty, "These Fords cost $375.00 new. Now they cost $100000.00 to build. Let CWMC help you get rid of your money. It's either me or them..."
Updates to be posted as they are declassified. Read & burn, etc.

1080 Single-Handedly Depletes Nations Strategic Oil Reserve in Bid to win CWMC Fuel Economy Championship

Lean Burn Technologies, South Cooking Lake, Ab: All Agents be aware: if you are trying for the CWMC Fuel Economy Championship, you are going to have your work cut out for you. Agent 1080 has again shovelled a considerable chunk of overdraft under the hood of his Agency Cruiser Plymouth, and is confident that few Agents are going to have a chance to dethrone him as the Undisputed Canadian Champion Fossil-Fuel Consumer. 
  CNN reported yesterday that, after political instability in Libya, 1080's Plymouth is probably the single most reliable indicator of an impending world-wide oil shortage and accompanying price spike. Last summer, with 1080's attention focused elsewhere, the world was enjoying a pretty easy time of it, with oil prices hovering in the realistic $70- $80 / barrel range. Last week, however, 1080 finished reassembling his pet demon, and began ordering supertankers diverted to Lean Burn Technologies to begin feeding the beast a steady diet of high-octane premium. Despite worldwide protests and repeated summits with various CEO's of all the worlds biggest producers, 1080 remained stoic, and pressed on with testing and tuning the 800 hp supercharged monstrosity.
The scene at LBT on Saturday
  "It's pretty well behaved, con- sidering..." said 1080 at a press conference yesterday, when asked if he really intended to use the weapon in anger on public streets. "What else am I going to drive? A fuckin' Prius? If it won't pull the front wheels off the ground, I'm not interested."
 A quick inspection reveals a pair of toilet-bowl sized carbs atop a BDS 8-71 supercharger, feeding a 440 Chrysler with some spendy aluminum cylinder heads screwed on to assist in ridding the world of as much gasoline as possible in the shortest possible time. A 5500 rpm stall converter makes sure that 1080s cruiser doesn't even move until space-shuttle amounts of fuel are being consumed by the angriest, most intimidating car in town.
 The President went for a short spin with 1080 at the controls of the old Plymouth, and returned looking more than a little pale and shaken, only able to mumble "Full Presidential approval...full Presidential approval..." over and over until he was helped away for a short rest and some medicinal bong rips.
  Further details will be released as soon as they are declassified, pending final dyno tuning and assuming there is still enough fuel in the country for another test drive.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Operation D.I.S.C.O. Leaves President Hungry for Italian

Edmonton, Ab, Possibly the North side: Booking an appointment with the President before noon takes a considerable amount of pull, and Agent 747 is on that short list. What could possibly be important enough to attempt to rouse ol' Mr. Party before Happy Hour starts?
 Operation Distressed Italian Sports Car Overload, is all.
747 Contemplates bent Lambo project
Agent 747 started the day with a quick stop to kick the tires (not too hard lest they fall off) on a very hockey-player-looking Lamborghini Gallardo, yours for a much-reduced price if you have the time and inclination to try to put a 500 hp, 4 wheel drive, aluminum & carbon fibre write-off back together. In a rare and inexplicable moment of sanity, both Agent 747 and the Prez passed on the opportunity and decided to get some lunch at the Italian Bakery instead.
Long hood good for storing boxes and shit
  Shortly post-lunch, Agent 747 loaded the Prez into his Agency Subaru and proceeded to an unknown location deep in the foreign-car district of downtown. Camouflaged in the local pawn-shop & porno ambience, and silent but for the fluttering flags on the lease-back fleet trash ageing on the local mud-lots, a small brick building so utterly without charm as to be virtually invisible awaited the arrival of CWMC Agents. 
   Inside, 747 introduced the President to his own top-secret Italian Connection, the elusive "Mr. K". They then spent a few minutes checking out some of the most Fully Presidentially Approved car stash in the city. The President had barely walked in the door when he was rendered mute by Italian Car Envy: a scruffy Alfa Romeo Montreal, just sitting there on the floor, as if to say "What? You don't have one?"
  It only got worse for the President when he had to be helped back up off the floor after laying his bloodshot eyes on the second Lambo of the day; this time an Espada. All Agents know, of course, that the Montreal and the Espada are two of the Prez' favourite cars, and having never actually having seen one of either one of them before, he was having trouble believing there weren't some residual (or not so residual) drug effects at work here. The sight of a rare Lancia Delta Integrale in the corner didn't help with the sense of unreality, either, but everything probably would have been fine if the President hadn't happened to see a pair of headlights poking out of a pile of boxes under some stairs.
 A slightly closer inspection revealed, of course, a Ferrari 330 GT. The President probably lost con- sciousness just before noticing the original paint, or the Borranis, or the amazingly preserved interior, but nevertheless managed to record the moment of discovery with a couple of shitty shaky-hand snapshots, seen here.
  Agent 747 delivered the semi-coherent President back to the underground storage bunker later that evening, where he is recovering slowly. He has drawn plans for his own future Italian Car Shrine, but so far a boozy ground-breaking ceremony has been the extent of the actual work.
 All agents are being called in to HQ to assist, if only by hanging around and getting slightly hammered up and bullshitting each other.