Friday, August 22, 2014

Multiple Agents Gunning for Field Unit Commander Kudos as Concours Season Brings out the Big Money

Reference materials always invaluable!
Lean Burn Technologies Compound, Cooking Lake, Ab. Agent 1080, aka "The Richard Petty of petty larceny" has been almost completely invisible all winter as he labours continuously on what promises to be a very strong contender in this year's "Agency Cruiser of the Year" sweepstakes. His adoption of an abandoned 1957 Dodge Sierra station wagon not only marks a brave departure from his usual Fury-and-Cordoba-centric collection, but is also a virtual shoe-in for a rare Field Unit Commander Kudos award as it nears completion in time for a test flight in the next several weeks.
Perfection throughout is the goal.
  Agent 1080 reports that he was "... grateful for all the help from Galen; I really wanted to go the extra mile with the underhood area on this project, and having copies of all of that super-anally-retentive chalk-marks-and-stickers bullshit really helped this car come together just like I had envisioned it. It really feels good to know that all of the tiniest details and factory markings have been reproduced in exacting, painstaking, irritating detail, no expense spared". Following the scrupulous restoration, Agent 1080 applied his favorite "Day 2" touches to lend the appropriate period feel to the wagon, including the mandatory set of Cragars, party lights, and his signature piece, the button tuft leather 6-way power seat by Chrysler, that he moves from car to car.
Thank God for Galen!
   Now that he has become accustomed to the generous capacities of the real 1976 New Yorker luxury bench, cars themselves have become for him mere carriages; constructed to transport the sacred seat around and keep it (mostly) dry.
Just another perfect restoration for 1080...
   The 413 sounds like a car should, and is going to be getting a workout as the car show season approaches, with 1080's Dodge booked as a feature car at several of the major concours stateside, showcasing the gold-standard detailing and attention to authenticity that made Galen and 1080 the household serial-number-nerd names they are today.
   1970S A-bodies, best known for their plane-crash panel gaps and propensity for mind-altering corrosion, have somehow worked their way up from the very scuzziest back alleys of Beatertown into the garage facilities of the secretive Gilewich Centre for Cultural Enrichment. The notorious Agents 0826 and 7678 apparently missed the memo that keeping a yard full of faded boogie vans, faded ex-cop cars, and disused Dodges of every dimension would eventually attract the wrong kind of attention, and, sure enough, the President weaved in at some point and began randomly hammering on some kind of dormant Dart while Agents kept the joints and G&Ts coming hot and steady. 
Another day at the office...
  Hours would pass to the pounding of the air compressor and the howling of various high-speed sanding devices, some capable of turning gallons of mud into dust in seconds, choking out the sun under clouds of toxic haze... Agent 0826 is excited to be nominated early this year for the semi-annual "Agent 8771's Way to Go, Fixing up your Old High-School Piece of Shit Car Award", signifying outstanding achievement in the field of wastefully indulgent nostalgia-tripping. Winning "The 8771" is considered one of the hallmarks of superiority in a business known for bad decision making.
Yes, those cars are being hauled INTO the yard.
  On the topic of bad decisions, fellow GCFCE Agent 7678 has completed "Operation Put a Dent in my Fender" and its subsequent, and predictably less exciting "Operation Waste more money on this Goddamn Chrysler" is coming together as this issue goes to press. What promises to be a very tidy tanker should be back at work soon, keeping the oil refineries busy and helping Alberta grow. With it's freshened and highly tidied B-block, its back to ruining tires and taking peoples money for Agent 7678; coming soon to a filling station near you.  
A few touchups on the ol' high-school rig.
Fender mayhem sorted.
  "Seldom am I compelled to give two F.U.C.K.s for any reason, but these cruisers really define what it means to be a CWMC Agent." said the President at a hastily cobbled-up press conference earlier this week, where, decrepit and clearly living comfortably outside the part of society that values a tidy appearance, he was seen in public for the first time in months, in all likelihood having been living secluded in his bunker, eating stale Frosted Flakes out of old margarine containers with a stir stick ever since the adoption of the Saab 99 as primary transport severely restricted his access to services farther away than the mailbox, including groceries and, apparently, grooming. He then went on to imply that any further public appearances would be necessarily brief, owing to the hazards implicit in having to trust the headlights of your 35 year old junkyard jalopy past sundown.