Monday, September 30, 2013

Agency S.C.U.M. Cruiser Updates and Controversy Again Over FCD Ruling

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab:  Late summer: long, sunny, unproductive afternoons and warm, boozy evenings, with plenty of time for idle contemplation and window shopping on the internet's bottomless used-car market. Well, almost bottomless; CWMC Agents can usually be found exploring the classic car counterpart to the Marianas Trench, often battling the President himself for the bring-a-battery bargains that show up under headlines like Good Derby Car and Going to Crusher on Friday.
  Sometimes you just know things intuitively, like when a movie is going to be terrible (stars any wrestler), or, by just a single stomach-churning lyric or churchy C-major chord change, that you've inadvertently selected the Christian radio station. In the same way, it is never too difficult to tell that the Agency Cruiser that has just pulled up at HQ belongs to the notorious Agent 303. It could be the ancient, cracking whitewalls, or the punched-out trunk lock and piece of rope holding the lid sort-of-closed, but there's definitely a certain vibe around 303's S.C.U.M. cruisers: a kind of grinning in the face of hopeless obsolescence mixed with an air of subtle menace that surrounds those with almost nothing to lose; the vehicular equivalent of a homeless rottweiler. Somewhere, a plate is jammed in a rear window, appropriated from a long-ago-sold sedan of similar description. The bumper might be gone, but the luxury lives on. 
  303's latest forays into the shady no-mans-land between the back alley and the scrap yard have netted a pair of Cruisers that epitomize his near-unchallenged stature as S.C.U.M. Champion First Class, showcasing what it takes to wear the blue ribbon of beater-town. A Lincoln Town Coupe, carbon-dated to the late-70's, serves to showcase his aesthetic preference for faded glory; its padded half-vinyl Landau top long-ago stripped away and brushed over in black Tremclad, bondo bulging as ancient rust repairs resurface under the sun-bleached $249.00 splash. 
It's either 303, or someone's great-great-aunt is lost...
  "I just love Lincolns," said 303 today in an interview from his luxurious north-side estate, where he was busy camou- flaging several of his other Cruisers with branches and grass clippings to hide them from the landlord.
  "...I mean, how awesome is this moonroof? If it had brakes, I would probably drive it even more."
  Beside the Lincoln sits another signature piece: some kind of Oldsmobile-ish coupe, also dating from the days of Bee-Gees and bellbottoms. Found sitting in the junkyard, it too was rescued and given a loving home by the crazy-cat-lady of big, domestic 2-door bombers. This sweetheart mega-canoe steps out with an efficient 400-ish cubes shredding the decrepit museum-ready radials on command while we recline in corduroy comfort, burning huge spliffs and sneering at the mortals in their payment-plan shame-sheds.
Yes, Agent 533 is stocking up on head gaskets.
  Agent 533's Cuiser status, meanwhile, has been massively upgraded from "Pretty Cool" to "Pretty Goddamn Cool" following the long-expected expiration of his namesake Bavarian Motor. It sits, mellowing gracefully in the shrubbery; the first leaves of fall skating lazily across the parched paint and lodging themselves comfortably under the wipers and behind the windshield weatherstrip, waiting for winter.
  "I needed an upgrade..." said 533 in an interview earlier this week, speaking loudly to be heard over the turbo whine and cool-jazz soundtrack grooving together as he prepares for liftoff. "In keeping with Company Policy of buying the cars you wanted when you were in elementary school, I've decided to go with the Omni GLH Turbo... "
Agents on the scene to inspect the new cruisers...
  In an only-just-barely-predicable move today, the French Car Division has offered its endorse- ment of 533's new cruiser, claiming that since its not-too-distantly related to the Talbot / Simca Horizon introduced in late 1977, (superseding the Simca 1100), it qualifies as a French car, and, therefore, budgets for that Division need to be adjusted accordingly.
  533's new Field Unit is actually so tidy that it will have to be supplemented shortly with another, more disposable rig in order that the salt be kept from the delicate flanks of one of the last surviving Omnis in the known universe. 
  All Agents are advised to get shopping, as Winter Beater Challenge will soon be upon us again, and there are just so many different ways to Subvert Conventional Urban Mediocrity.