Friday, December 31, 2010

Economic Nightmare Unfolds as 8771's High-School Piece of Shit Car Hemorrhages Funds

CWMC Improbable Body Works Division, Ardrossan, AB: With only the most perfunctory of opening ceremonies, Operation Haircut commenced Tuesday, signalling the beginning of a protracted effort to return Agent 8771's Ford Fairlane to some kind of roadworthy, presentable version of its former self. 
  Early in the planning stages of Haircut, it was observed that, when all of the of the Ford's  rusted / smashed beyond repair components were removed, there was only a roof, a couple of doors, and some Maiden tapes left to salvage. Another low- mileage granny 4 door was quickly procured by the CWMC underground and, as of this writing, is being demolished and rebuilt as 8771's hardtop coupe.
   On Wednesday, several Agents attended a top-secret closed-door meeting at HQ to discuss several funding irregularities becoming apparent early on, like:
  -The "parts car" cost 6 times more than the actual car, and was actually quite nice, until the President, quite cheerfully baked on Holiday Hash Brownies, cut it up with a grinder. 
 - In a familiar-looking scenario, the Fairlane budget deficit for this week exceeds the total deficit of all 25 previous years combined. Agent 8771 forges ahead, guns blazing as he orders up new carpets, seats, and shiny parts for his decrepit deathtrap. Blindly spending ones way out of danger seems to be the order of the day here, also.
  "Austerity measures will have to be implemented if we can't get this reckless disregard for budgetary guidelines under some kind of control." the President said at the close of the meeting, struggling to open another Heineken by smashing the top of it with his Rolex. "This could mean a return to the lean, low-dollar accessories of Agent 8771's youth, like $29.99 cassette decks (including 2 6x9's), gauges that drip oil on your pants, and used tires with the whitewalls blacked-out by a Jiffy marker."
  All agents are encouraged to please submit other possible budget-reduction strategies c/o this newsletter. Updates to follow as they are declassified.

President Leaks Plans for Upcoming Formula 1 Effort

 Ardrossan,Ab: HQ was abuzz again today following the discovery of the President's "laptop" containing top-secret blueprints for the much-rumored and highly-anticipated CWMC Racing Division's Formula 1 entry for the 2012 season. Phones rang to overheating with desperate pleas for details and security was repeatedly dispatched to deal with rowdy vanloads of TV shitheads clamouring for a close-up of the most guarded set of 'prints in recent F1 memory.
  The President, anticipating yet another set of draconian rule-changes for the '12 season, is betting the farm on a front-engine, drum-brake,  V8, 3000 lb 2-seater formula (similar to that of 1930), and is getting close to testing while other F1 teams foolishly waste their time developing the current "relevant" technology.
  "This is a brilliant tactical move," said in-house F1 specialist Agent 505 "and a massive technical undertaking again for the Racing Division".
  Recent years have brought to F1 rule-changes aimed at slowing the cars and keeping budgets down. Less wing, smaller tires, and no turbos all mean longer lap times.  Engines must now be run for several races, making them essentially "used parts". Teams are having success with used chassis and outside-sourced powerplants.  The President, again brilliantly anticipating an ever-stricter formula, has set the budget for the CWMC F1 Team at zero dollars and awaits the accolades of his peers upon the inevitable announcement that he has again anticipated the seemingly unintelligible whims of the current F1 governing bureaucracy.
 So far, the Racing Division, using nothing but discarded truck and tractor parts and a commanding mastery of profanity, has cobbled up a reasonable semblance of the vehicle depicted in the massive file of technical data. Lights dimmed in nearby cities as the CWMC triple-16 reel-to-reel 3/4" direct-drive 40-megatube mainframe Leviathan plotted arcane graphs and puked tractor-feed paper in drifts on the floor. Success was realized slowly, but eventually optimism, vague, tentative recollections of high-school math, and heavily spiked coffee prevailed and the machine is beginning to take shape, with Jodie Foster signing on to pilot the first prototype.
  When asked how the laptop came to be left in the ladies' toilet at the 24-hr Wok-Inn behind the Liquor Barn on 107th, the President replied that he had "no idea" what everyone was talking about, which was probably true given the state of his suit.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Full Presidential Approval for Plymouth-Based Vandalism

Montreal, Que.: Agent 086 was again the subject of office speculation last week, following the arrival of news related to the latest in a series of outrageous self-aggrandizing publicity stunts perpetrated by his sister and designed to entice passers-by to yet another of 086's week-long, wine-and-snacks "happenings" celebrating his apparent inability to age gracefully. Agent 086 is no stranger to the CWMC Presidential Party Ethos: Never Enough is Not Quite Enough
  Although financial constraints and the always unfriendly Montreal "roads" would have defeated many less enthusiastic Agents, 086 remains true to the cause, piloting his 1971 Volvo 164 around the salty streets and crumbling-mob-concrete-infrastructure of Canada's Parisian Paradise.
 Agent 086 still holds the CWMC record for most ridiculous car-purchasing field trip ever; an epic tale of determination and credit-card abuse that seems unlikely to ever be bettered by a reasonably sane person.
"Agent 086 is one of the greatest; " said the President earlier this week, topping up a mammoth G&T and tack-welding some gigantic fender flares to an unsuspecting customers Silver Shadow. " he understands that sometimes you just have to go for it."
 Agent 086 sometimes operates in the company of the ever-elusive Agent 980, seen here alongside her Agency Cruiser 1977 Chrysler Newport Hardtop.
 Nice work as usual for the Montreal Division Agents!