Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Operation Versailles Set to Resume This Winter

CWMC French Luxury Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: After a short half-year delay to collect the corporate nerves and brace up the financials for the inevitable thrashing, Operation Versailles is set to resume operations late this week with the President, like a great Pharaoh, optimistic that he may in fact live to see the finished product in time to be buried in it.
Funding failures, protocol disasters, wine shortages, you name it, it has befallen the FLCD many times before.
"We are almost used to zees kahnd of abuse," said an anonymous informant, scraping thick muck from some kind of long, bendy snarl of piping and double-pilot-sliding-semi-direct-proportioning height correctors, "we know the German Car Division is embezzling the money we had put aside for cheese, I mean parts, and using it for gas in their horrible, firm-riding, reliable, brick merde-houses."
With Agent 747 supplying the maintenance info, strange
tools, and squishy parts from his top-secret stash of esoterica Francaise, all that really stands in the way now is the other two hundred hours of welding needed to finish reconstructing the chassis, followed by several short years of rebuilding, repair, and reassembly.
"As long as its still really fast. " said the President in a rare fireside interview, apparently having forgotten what car he was talking about.

Monday, November 15, 2010

1080 Raises the Bar

Lean Burn Technologies, Ardrossan, Ab: All available agents were called in last week to CWM Headquarters to assist in the cosmetic downgrading of 1080's latest Agency Cruiser to full S.C.U.M. specification, including a 1080 signature "If a little cam is good, too much cam is just right" engine rehab.
The 1979 Dodge Magnum finds 1080 not drifting too far from familiar, well-travelled territory, yet bravely seeking out the last couple of models from Chrysler's disco phase that he has yet
to own. Parked beside his collection of Ramchargers, Aspens, and Furies, the Magnum is as at-home at LBT as it is freakishly obnoxious everywhere else it goes. Full Presidential Endorsement as usual for 1080.
Special touches for this winter weapon include still-functioning transparent headlight covers, door locks apparently from another car, as well as the ubiquitous Grant GT steering wheel straight from the "Banned Accessories" list in the CWMC Field Agent Guide to Vehicle
Appearance. (Ch. 14 of Lou's Letter to the Parole Board, verses seven through eleven:
Let not thine Agency ride give shelter to these unholy things, for they can be purchased at Canadian Tire...)
The team of Headers and Shorty Duals again provide the soundtrack to this major motion picture.
The President, still recovering in his top-floor retreat at the Holiday Inn in Tofield from a spectacular series of traffic incidents that left him unable to drink for several days, was heard to remark that "semi-gloss black is the new flat black" shortly before returning to the little fort he had made out of couch cushions.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

History Repeats as Tidy German Car Proves Difficult to Unload

Cold War Motors Remarketing Division, Side of the Road, Ardrossan, Ab; Agent 8771 is learning what Mercury dealers across North America knew 35 years ago: Capris Don't Sell. Just like those long-ago Merc pimps, Agent 8771 is faced with a Capri inventory situation, and is having a spot of trouble liquidating his prized 1977 Ghia to shore up accounts for the inevitable financial weathering of another, more absurd operation to be detailed in future installments of this CWM newsletter.
Together with the sale of the F100 and the to-be-announced fate of the Fairlane sedan, a potential Capri sale nets a +3 on the park-o-meter, and that means its time Agent 8771 got a proper S.C.U.M. cruiser. The President encourages All Agents to petition Agent 8771 through this newsletter that we are in fact insisting that something be done about the state of his winter Agency ride.

CWM's Re- marketing Division has shifted a fair bit of shitty kit over the last decade, including several of 0311's flaming-bag-of-shit 240's and a couple of the President's "cars" that actually got too tough to handle in public, and really should have been put down. All these floorless Volkswagens, miled-out Fairmonts, and horrible sub-frame-detached Audi 4000's had at least these two things in common:
1: They were all worthless fuckpails.
2: They were all easier to sell than a nice Capri.
  Agent 747 has sold so many salvaged shitboxes off the CWM "Magic Hill", he swears it has supernatural powers.
"People like to buy cars from me, I s'pect, " said the Prez, recovering in bed after being found earlier by police, unconscious in a ditch beside a burning Isuzu Bellette with a pretty fair-sized bag of magic mushrooms in his housecoat.
"but that Capri just isn't generating the numbers..."

Monday, November 1, 2010

Mystery Car Unveiled

CWMC Long-Term-Storage Bunker, Ardrossan, Ab: The long-awaited and hotly-debated Mystery Car has been identified by the CWM experts, the result of six months' intensive research and countless hours hidden in a sealed, off-grid underground facility next to the Tacotime on 34th, combing the stacks of dusty ephemera for any clues as to the nature of this strange beast.
Several unfortunate agents were assigned to the unenviable task of discovering the car's nationality, genus, and species. A tall order; but who, just last year, identified the last surviving Isotta Fraschini Tipo 8c Special Cabriolet by LeBaron, parked at Kar Basher? Thats right! Cold War Motors' Historically Ambiguous Autos Division. Turns out it was a Hillman Avenger, but no matter, CWM was on the case.
Sometimes, it seemed like an impossible task, given the huge number of auto manufacturers that have existed over the last hundred years, and the painstakingly slow and methodical research methods needed to preserve the scientific validity of the results, if any, of the study.
Abarth, Alfa Romeo, AMC, Aston Martin, Auburn, Austin, Avanti...
Half a year later, just as the finished car was delivered to its owner, the team had an answer, and an envelope was rushed to a well-lubed President, who was struggling to keep the car's owner entertained, or to keep standing up, for that matter. The Prez, now concentrating deliberately on elementary motor skills, grandly placed his right hand over one eye and proceeded to squint for a few minutes at the piece of paper.
"C...A...M...A...R...O..., Oh, its an El Camino. Sweet."
"Does it say the year?"
"What year is it?"
"...'fuck should I know?"

Another Mystery Car success story at CWMC.