$49.95 GT Hood Stripe Special Held Over due to Huge Demand

C.W.M.C. Paint & Body Division, Ardrossan, Ab: As the sun sets on another sizzling summer, the Agents-only GT Hood Stripe Special offer has been held over to try to accomodate the tremendous demand for parallel black stripes on the hoods of all Agency Cruisers. Making GT Hood Stripes a mandatory requirement for Special Agent status has no doubt helped the President line up the work, even if so far the majority of the cars so decorated are actually his own.

  Agent 0842, having just recently enlisted the services of the P&B Division to chop a huge hole in the hood of his mint, all original 1966 Mustang convertible and apply a decidedly not-factory hood scoop, decided to go the extra mile and totally offend the local Mustang-nerd fraternity by letting the Presidents favorite division dream up a completely inaccurate set of stripes for the yellow Cruiser.

  "This is an outrage," said Edgar "The Pony" Crashworthy, V.P. of the local Mustang Nitpickers Association; "We will not stand by and watch this terrible company desecrate our Mustangs with this kind of nonsense." He then returned to detailing his beloved 'Stang, polishing the overspray on the frame rails; oblivious to the water pouring in through the rusty cowl vents.

  Agent 0842 says he likes the look of his new stripes and scoop package, but he is getting tired of waking up to find threatening letters in his mail box and burning effigies of himself and his "ruined" convertible on the front lawn.
  All Agents are encouraged to get in on this sweet deal before the President starts to sober up and realizes that he is losing about $378.00 on each set of stripes. Plus taxes.

Inventory Control Policy Another Disappointing Failure

CWMC Compound, Ardrossan, Ab: Following a 10-year program of inventory acquisition and retention (read "hoarding"), the management at CWMC have attempted to introduce radical new guidelines for inventory control, only to be met again with strong resistance from all Agents, and, ultimately, abject failure.

  Despite some honest effort on behalf of the ever-cooperative President, he has several times in the last number of weeks been unable to control the need to acquire bargain-basement "classics" and park them haphazardly around the CWMC compound. Perhaps the most glaring example of this pro-inventory mindset has arrived in the form of another half-dozen outboard motors of various lineages and vintages, all non-op and without any obvious practical applications, as there is no actual boat upon which to affix any of them, were they even tangibly functional.

  Agent 8771 cannot be excluded from the proverbial shit list, either, having recently added multiple units to the sizeable pile of half-dead "antique" snowmobiles that decorate the compound, scattered randomly about wherever they quit running last year. The CWMC equivalent of man-made reefs are providing comfortable seating for visitors, and welcome nesting areas for local rodentia.

  Perhaps the most vexing of all is the President's own penchant for castoff classics, arriving unannounced and immobile; mute testimony to the car-collecting sickness that apparently has no cure, and only limited treatment potential. The much-anticipated departure of the 1959 Mercedes 190D has been more than made up for with the arrival of a 1952 Hudson, dilapidated in extremis and with no realistic plan to resuscitate. Vague, incoherent talk of "getting it on the road" seems far-fetched at best, as the lineup of similar jalopies with similar half-baked schemes is long and expensive.



French dog with American one.



  The final insult to the now- totally-failed Inventory Control Policy has to be the appear -ance of a 1970 Chevrolet Bel-Air sedan. Agent 1080 is so upset by the purchase of CWMC's first and only GM vehicle that he has locked himself in his Aspen and refuses to speak to anyone. A hunger strike is being conducted, but the stacks of pizza boxes outside the car window are tending to blunt the impact of the protest. Agent 4261, on the other hand, is ready to detail the old Chev to within an inch of its scruffy life, and is lobbying convincingly for a fleet of Presidential Battle Cruisers that don't stall in the rain.

  "I just like stuff, I guess..." said the President today in an interview from the new $6000.00 garage he has erected to keep $63.00 worth of cars out of the weather.

  All Agents are encouraged to visit the CWMC Compound and try their luck at starting any of these latest projects.

 Then steal something. Bring a trailer.