Suspicious Circumstances Surround KF'd 244

Edmonton, Ab: Eyebrows were raised slightly today at the news that Agent 0311 has pulled the plug on yet another 240-series Volvo. In fact, 0311 has consigned so many 240s to the bin that some agents are beginning to suspect ulterior motives. Do agents 0311 and 0313 have, as some are whispering, an angle? A reason to hasten the donation?

This reporter suspects that last winter's Dead-Volvo-a-Thon did little to help already ambiguous relations between 0311,0313, and their fleet of semi-faithful safety bricks.

"Our good car is a 73 Beetle with no headlights." 0311 said in a Monday phone interview from his mansion where he was nursing the last few bits onto a 1963 122s, cursing quietly under his breath and taking frequent sips of a gigantic rye & 7.

Will Agents 0311 & 0313 find true love in the harsh, fast-paced world outside 240-ownership? All agents please submit ideas for non-240-based transportation to this column.

French Sedan is a Coup for Diesel Division

CWMC Headquarters, Ab: HQ was a buzz of activity Friday, with agents from all directions converging on the storage bunker, hoping to catch a glimpse of the latest of the President's ill-advised forays into the Land of Extinct French Diesel Luxury Cars of the 80's.

The 604 arrived late evening, hand-delivered by Agent 747 who braved local law enforcement to limp the wounded, unregistered Peugeot from his own collection to the CWMC compound several miles away.

Cloaked in an aura of Pininfarina-grade cool only slightly ruined by the smell of hot clutch, the big Pooj rattled away contentedly whilst the President, in a quite obviously over-celebrated state, slurred enthusiastically on about the sense of style and taste the 604 would doubtlessly impart to its new caregiver, were it actually driveable. Meanwhile, it has achieved indoor storage status alongside the CX2.5d until further notice.

Update: Agent 533 repaired the shift linkage, allowing for a short test drive which served to confirm Agent 747's assertion that the 604 was indeed slower than the second coming of Christ, but without the harsh ride associated with most other biblical events.

Another S.C.U.M. Success Story

Edmonton,Ab: Agent 533 continues to refine the look of his S.C.U.M. cruiser, this week paying special attention to body and paint issues that had been keeping this former yuppie status-symbol looking just a touch too respectable. It's not always about skinny ties and Kraftwerk tapes in the Blaupunkt: just 300 miles of muddy gravel roads have added invaluable crud points, nicely complimenting the broken-fog-lamp ambience of the front facade, and obscuring the few square inches of paint that were still slightly shiny.

Nothing says S.C.U.M like prying off the hubcaps; especially when you're running a sweet set of vintage 3.0 CS alloys and mounting some house-brand snows well into July. Nicely done 533!

The President would like to offer his moral if not financial support for 533's efforts, and hopes that the BMW Concours Society of Anal Nit-Pickers and Associated Fuckheads finds something else to worry about so you can have your front yard back.

CWMC Hosts 1972 Chrysler Enthusiasts Club Meet Again This Year

CWMC Headquarters, AB: Attention all Agents: the competition for best 1972 Chrysler in the Ardrossan area just got a bit tougher. 100% tougher, actually, with the entry of a second 1972 Chrysler 4-door hardtop in the annual beauty contest, which, truth be known, had lately become a bit of a walk-through for the President.

Faced with an unprecedented defeat on home turf, the President was spotted trying to scrub some of the bird shit and dead entomology from the body of his car, even scooping the roach ends, Colt 45 cans, and dog treats out of the interior in a brave attempt at concours-level tidiness. When he saw the fantastic, faded-out factory pinstripes adorning the competition's New Yorker, the President flew into a jealous rage and threatened to boycott next year's meet unless taxi-spec Newports were judged in a separate class, with bonus points for "most original grime" and " best use of awful truck seat covers".