Racing Division Triumphant with Toyota

Near Ardrossan, Ab: CWMC's Racing Division was back on track at John's Carnival of Carnage last weekend, showcasing the latest in a series of high-performance specials, this time a stunning 1997 Toyota Tercel in Sox & Martin livery.

The track, unlike the cars and drivers, was in superb condition, and a new "outer circuit" was incorporated for extended high-speed (destructive) testing.

Several Agents were on the scene with their own teams, including 1080's 1987 GMC Suburban, 0406's Team Toyota Corolla Road Warrior Edition, Agent 100013 in a magic '81 Cadillac Coupe de Villain, 8771 in a formidable Oldsmobile W-30 Ninety-Eight Brougham and of course 533 was there in a phantom Plymouth Caravelle 4-door Touring Phaeton, top down and sporting "Sheriff of Go Fuck Yourself" decals.

So; classy as usual.

Racing quickly degenerated to a series of one-on-one grudge matches, which made for lots of close racing and close calls at the expense of vehicle longevity and appearance.

The President was there in person to take on driving duties in the CWMC Tercel, and despite his "Do a lap / do a shot" policy, managed to keep most of the wheels on the car long enough to outlast much tougher vehicles; even the massive Suburban never really had a chance with 1080 mercilessly stress-testing every drivetrain component until the driveshaft decided to put an end to the insanity by committing suicide.

"Beats working." said the Pres later, not that he ever actually does any work.

Another 245 Stares into the Abyss

Edmonton, Ab: On Friday the President awarded the annual "Saggy Tit of Awesomeness for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Milking It" to multiple-time-champion Agent 0311 for his 1979 Volvo 245. In a brief, unceremonious photo session today at HQ, the extent of the truly crippling decay and multi-tiered bodge-a-thon was documented for the CWMC archives while a small group of Agents discussed possible terminal-failure scenarios were 0311 to actually continue to use the "T&C" as primary transport.

0311, having decimated the last surviving stock of $200 Toyotas and Hondas, turned his eye to Volvos several years ago, and has been successfully hammering them until a repair bill exceeding the value of the gas in the tank seals their fate.

"Who sold him that piece of shit?" was all the President could muster when asked to comment on the horrifying state of things, forgetting in his Seagrams-soaked haze that it had of course been himself.

All agents are encouraged to please take note of the monumental achievement in

switchgear shitty-ness and double-

black-belt level hap-

hazardness throughout.

Operation S.C.U.M. continues to gain momentum as winter approaches, with Agent 0311 setting the pace so far...

Boozy Shopping Spree Nets Predictable Results

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker, Ardrossan: Another lost-weekend-style accumulation of motorized debris has found its way home this week, despite strong opposition on all fronts and intensive lobbying by various neighbourhood / community organizations. The President, faced with a severe funding shortage caused by an almost complete failure of the CWMC Cash Crop / Grow Op, simply knocked a couple zeros off the budget and went shopping anyways.

First stop of the day netted a pair

of Honda carcasses that would have best been left for the buzzards, followed by a long drive into the city to inspect another possible treasure, this time a 1976 Honda 750. Agent 533 was again roped into the Presidential shitstorm, and had the dubious honour of attempting to move the flat-tired, seized solid, 600-pound ex-motorcycle into the back of his agency transport truck.

Several hours later, with the assistance of a couple of local magpies, the machine was "secured" with a couple thousand feet of fishing line, various bits of twine and a couple of sticks. Thus equipped, the perilous return journey was completed with only a couple of stops to re-fasten and re-attach bits of the bike.

The President, incoherent with delight, proceeded to waste the rest of the weekend polishing up his new treasures and pushing them around the garage making engine sounds.

Stay tuned for more updates from the Vintage Jap Bike Division.