Edmonton, Ab: On Friday the President awarded the annual "Saggy Tit of Awesomeness for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Milking It" to multiple-time-champion Agent 0311 for his 1979 Volvo 245. In a brief, unceremonious photo session today at HQ, the extent of the truly crippling decay and multi-tiered bodge-a-thon was documented for the CWMC archives while a small group of Agents discussed possible terminal-failure scenarios were 0311 to actually continue to use the "T&C" as primary transport. 0311, having decimated the last surviving stock of $200 Toyotas and Hondas, turned his eye to Volvos several
years ago, and has been successfully hammering them until a repair bill exceeding the value of the gas in the tank seals their fate.
years ago, and has been successfully hammering them until a repair bill exceeding the value of the gas in the tank seals their fate. "Who sold him that piece of shit?" was all the President could muster when asked to comment on the horrifying state of things, forgetting in his Seagrams-soaked haze that it had of course been himself.
All agents are encouraged to please take note of the monumental achievement in
switchgear shitty-ness and double-
black-belt level hap-
hazardness throughout.
Operation S.C.U.M. continues to gain momentum as winter approaches, with Agent 0311 setting the pace so far...
if only you could post a sound clip if 0311 going though the gears your point would come across 10 fold....
ReplyDeletePutting an album together for xmas: The Sounds of S.C.U.M.: Greatest Hits and Misses of the CWMC Fleet featuring: Starter Grinding on Flywheel Makes Me Happy, Screeching Blower Fan for My Baby, Header Leak gets in my Head, No Synchros in Second, and many other hits...
ReplyDeleteAs fucked up as this car is, I've had much worse daily drivers. The '78 Corona wagon comes to mind. See the CWMC photo wall of fame for details.
ReplyDeleteThe President can confirm 0311's assertion that this 245 is a Pebble Beach Grand Champion compared to the 78 Corona, the worst car ever driven by humankind, and the standard by which all S.C.U.M. cars will be measured forever.
ReplyDeleteAgent 0311 will get bored of this car before it gives up. The rattling and banging will finally defeat him and it will end up at John's Motor Mayhem III. We'll be watching it fly around the track with the hatch open and bouncing before long. That will be a sad day.
ReplyDelete0311: My goal is to keep this car driving until its 40th birthday. That's right, 2019. Only 8 more years. We have the technology, and by technology I mean soup cans. :1130
ReplyDelete