New Cold Storage Bunker Hailed by Critics

C.W.M.C. Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: Pundits are positively priapic over the latest addition to the President's empire of empty materialism. Architectural Digest magazine is calling the new Cold Storage Bunker #3 "A breathtaking achievement; conceived and constructed without compromise... a new standard of superiority in all facets of its design and execution."

  The new structure, reverently referred to as the CSBIII amongst the privileged few to have glimpsed its glorious facade, has only recently been unveiled to stunned audiences worldwide, prompting breathless, gushing hyperbole from all who have witnessed the first great architectural masterpiece of the 21st century.

  As you approach the imposing main entrance, you are struck by the setting; mountains of used tires, dead motorcycles, and twisted panels frame your vision, creating a tranquil, yet awe-inspiring promenade for visitors and Agents alike. How many hours did (two) men labour to create such beauty? The mind can scarcely grasp the sheer audacity of the concept, much less comprehend the absolute numbers: almost two hundred 2x6x10s, forty-five sheets of the finest 7/16" OSB, imported from Hinton, four, yes, four windows of the finest quality that could be had for free, twenty-eight sheets of steel roofing panels acquired in an epic journey to the far Eastern Hutterite colony in Holden; the list goes on, each item more outrageous than the last. Literally thousands of the cheapest finest nails were sacrificed to this great project; the final cost of this heroic monument to one man's car-storage vision is likely to be in the thousands of dollars, but actual costs may never be known due to the, shall we say, imprecise nature of the CWMC Accounting Division's, er, accounting.

  While the President basks in the accolades of the worlds press, one slightly worrying fact is becoming apparent: it's already full. Full, that is, of enough rusty rubbish to occupy the careers of three generations of welders, preppers, and painters.

  "Well, I'll just build another one." said a glazed-looking President today in an interview from the Taco Bell parking lot in Lacombe, where he was seen wrestling seagulls for discarded enchilada wrappers in an attempt to cut costs after the latest round of funding requisitions was denied by friends and family alike.

  "Food is pricey these days, but indoor parking is priceless."

  All agents are encouraged to avoid HQ for the next couple of weeks as the President, desperate for funding, has resorted to Delorean-esque tactics like selling off his shitty home-grown weed at $2300.00/oz.