French Car Division Makes Short Work of New Storage Facility

  CWMC Compound, Ardrossan, Ab: Monday, 3:09 PM: the President, having escaped the protective custody of his marginal, 3-drink-lunch-y "bodyguards", embarked on an insane French-car bender that has had a disastrous effect on the already precarious parking situation at HQ. The body count continues to mount as the first wave of defense, the aptly and recently christened "Shame Fence", or "Fence du Shame" as it is known locally, has been immediately and ruinously overrun by an unstoppable and unsightly onslaught of Euro-junk the likes of which hasn't been seen since the latest 5-year Greek Government bond auction.
  Counting on and receiving the implicit endorse- ment of the ever- treacher- ous French Car Division, the President's Tactical Assault Recovery Team Specialists (TARTS) located one of the last remaining Citroen DS hoards in Canada and proceeded to secure said stylish stash and move it back to HQ. For those unfamiliar with the process of moving dead D's with no steering racks, tires, suspension, or tangible tie-down topography, the process is best described as "tedious".

Fence Du Shame: Had no chance.

   All Agents quickly and wisely made themselves scarce when it came time to attempt the unloading of these new prizes, leaving El Presidente to his own devices and thus rendering the synapse count effectively zero as incapacitated, rusty hulks of French engineering genius were shoveled around by an intoxicated enthusiast and his unimpressed canine supervisor. New, soaring heights of profanity and blasphemy were achieved as bottomed-out cars, bald-tired tow vehicle, and raunchy trailer all took turns getting impossibly stuck in the fresh powder. Luckily, a bemused local happened by and, thinking that some natural disaster must have occurred by the looks of the compound, unceremoniously pushed the whole goddamn shitty mess back out onto the road with his tractor. 

Just one of the FCD's parking "colonies".

  G&Ts were procured and sanity quickly prevailed; orders to retreat to HQ for self-congratulatory bong-rips and beluga were duly issued and enthusiastically seconded by all parties.

Who cares if it fits; so cool...

  Along with the carcasses has arrived an absolutely inappropriate volume of parts, ranging from rusty steering racks and rusty doors all the way to rusty fenders and rusty wheels. The sheer volume of decrepit detritus accompanying the Operation has reduced the normally catastrophic state of the Cold Storage Bunker #4 to a condition which frankly beggars the imagination of even the most jaded junk hoarder. Plans to attempt a rationalization of the stacks of panels and boxes of obtuse Citroen-only fasteners, switches and pumps are early in the drafting process and tangible results will wait, along with any kind of realistic inventory control protocol, until at least the fiscal year-end and its coincident annual Presidential rehab stint.

Everything carefully organized, of course.

Raders? Buy 'em.

  All Agents are please encouraged to remain optimistic as fallout from the President's recent acquittal on charges of racketeering and embezzlement continues to make life difficult for Agents seeking huge, irresponsible home-equity loans for speed boats, vintage Raders, awesome intake manifolds, etc. Updates to follow, etc. 

New Agency Cruisers Singled Out for Recognition

  Cold War Motors Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab: Spring is in the air at HQ this week, and with it comes the perennial perfume of old dog poop new growth, and, as the snow disappears, the reminder that the CWMC compound is still an epic, hopeless shitstorm.

  Seized slant sixes sit silently surrounded by a debris field rivaling that of a supernova while lazy dogs nap in the shade lent by various decomposing Dodges mellowing quietly in the new sun.

Field Units don't come much cooler than this.

  Spring also means that the President is compiling his annual list of Field Agents and respective Agency Cruisers to be singled out for special recognition and the presentation of the prestigious Field Unit Commander Kudos award, bestowed upon those Agents whose rides embody the CWMC ethos through a particularly pertinent purchasing principle; boldly exploring the outer limits of what might generously be defined as "patina", for example.
  Recent additions to the CWMC Agency Cruiser Pool have raised a number of appreciative eyebrows around the office, and a few of these have made the short list. These latest cruisers are definitive examples of what it means to grant Full Presidential Approval and are definitely worth a F.U.C.K.
  Agent 043 had been keeping one eye open for a pickup for some time, broadly hinting that it would be of roughly the same vintage and brand as his other Units, and presumably not so beautiful as to cause consternation when carrying around greasy gearboxes, expired engines, and the other inevitable trappings of the car sickness so prevalent at HQ.
  Of course, Agent 1080 caught wind of the truck search, and was happy to perform a little surrogate shopping on behalf of his fellow Agent. Several days later, a routine back-alley patrol yielded a promising candidate, and after a series of clandestine communications with Agent 6044 (there are no old rusty Dodges he doesn't know about, or already own), the owner's parents, an alcoholic astrologer named "Jim Antonic", and the owner himself, 043 was let in on the find and presented with the truck, which he promptly bought; presumably swayed by the generosity of his fellow Agents, and the overwhelming peer pressure.

Stylish bumper is a highlight.

  Proudly carrying the scars of forty plus years of service without a repaint, the 1970 Dodge Camper Special sets a new standard of excellence for laissez-faire rust repair, and the payoff for this strictly non-interventionist maintenance policy is something for all Agents to aspire to. Chalky, chapped panels contrast beautifully with vintage wheels and the whole package rolls to the chunky soundtrack of a hi-po 383 through straight cut duals: pure magic.

  On the topic of magic, Agent 7678 has just re-commissioned his Field Unit; much to the delight of an envious President, who, as has been well documented elsewhere in the pages of this newsletter, has some inexplicable affection for the gigantic devices concocted during the golden age of the Chrysler Corporation. 
  This latest addition to  the CWMC Heavy Cruiser class is another original paint survivor, having accumulated a mere 35000 miles in 41 years, and it looks every bit of it. Massive flanks still shine, unsullied by salt, $249.00 splash-jobs (still on special at the CWMC Body Works Division), or the countless parking lot signatures collected at long-gone Woolworths and Simpsons stores.

This is the way to show up for work at the Ford dealership.

  Rust is also con- spicuous by it's absence; 7678's 'Port must be one of a very tiny number of these fuselage freighters that does not wear quarter panels carved from funny foam and magic cheese. Of course, big-block motivation is a key part of the fun, and here again we are not disappointed. About as politically correct as a pointy white hood, the cammy 383 sucks back impressive amounts of precious premium and barfs it out a pair of sewer pipes under the back bumper.
  A heavily sedated President was briefly available for comment, before being wheeled back into court to face charges of Failure to Stop and Check Out the Savings and Resisting a Rest.
  "I rarely give a F.U.C.K., but these two Cruisers deserve the extra credit for outstanding achievement in the field of non-restoration. Nice work, gentlemen. Now, who's holding?"
  All Agents are please requested to stop buying better cars than the President, who is beginning to feel a bit like Mozart's piano teacher.

French Car Division Unrepentant Following Latest Funding Scandal

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker #3, Ardrossan, Ab: Subsequent to a brief and blissful period of relative inactivity, the budget-busting brainchildren of the French Car Division have just recently launched Operation Get This Crepe Out of my Yard.

  As usual, at least part of the blame for this latest in a long series of baguette-beater-bargains can be attributed to CWMC French-Car-Division ringleader and hydro-pneumatic high-priest, Agent 747.  Through his extensive underground network that dates back decades to the relative heyday of 1970's-era Francophilia, the location of the ailing 1971 DS20 Estate was ascertained and a small recovery team of Agents dispatched to retrieve the unit from the predictably quiet, brainy residential area where it had lain dormant for multiple years under a large, dripping willow, with commensurate cosmetic corrosion easily evident.

Sticker adds much-needed redneck cred.

As Operation Versailles is still at best two or three years from viability, a sub- stantially less deconstructionist approach to this latest double-chevron driver was adopted, with restoration efforts being largely geared towards bare-minimum safety and presentability standards intended to provide several interim seasons of floaty French fun while the arduous, nut-and-bolt reconstruction of the President's other 1971 DS continues at a pace that makes continental drift look like AA/Fuel Altered.

Stella is ready to go.

   It is also not entirely by accident that at least one of the Citroens will remain fully assembled at all times to serve as a rolling instruction book to be consulted when it becomes evident that, just maybe, the President might have forgotten where a few of the thousands of unrecognizable grommets, twisted steel lines, proportioning valves, hoses, and 7mm screws are supposed to go. Suggestions to Agent 747 that perhaps he should be the lucky expert tasked with re-installing the famously fiendish wiring harness have thus far been met with polite laughter, followed by convincingly feigned deafness and sudden, just- remembered "appointments" to be kept.

Agent 747 sold this one back in the 80's, too.

  Having con- structed at sizable personal expense a veritable Maginot Line-of-Credit, the President defended the FCD's blatant thievery and book-keeping chicanery while remaining officially detached and still nominally capable of addressing the ferocious funding fiasco with a protracted propaganda assault aimed at mitigating the effects of record-low morale among the administrative personnel at HQ.

Parked in CSB III with CX, 604, and non-French rubbish.

  "I think we've probably seen the worst of it already," said the President today in a brief interview from the second floor of the old Liquor Control Board store where he was hiding out from police asking questions about a missing Gulfstream II, a $979.00 room-service bill at Holiday Inn Havana in the name of Pancho Del Benzino, and several pending paternity suits involving tellers at First National Bank of Uruguay.
  "...it looks as though everything is going to work itself out in time for Chicken Wing Mayhem at the Sawmill on Thursday."
  All Agents are please encouraged to stop by HQ for bong hits, followed by a brief salary review (Hint: don't get your hopes up) and boozy speculation about the future of fiat currencies and Fiat Chryslers. Same hint applies.

Operation Versailles Set to Resume This Winter

CWMC French Luxury Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: After a short half-year delay to collect the corporate nerves and brace up the financials for the inevitable thrashing, Operation Versailles is set to resume operations late this week with the President, like a great Pharaoh, optimistic that he may in fact live to see the finished product in time to be buried in it.

Funding failures, protocol disasters, wine shortages, you name it, it has befallen the FLCD many times before.

"We are almost used to zees kahnd of abuse," said an anonymous informant, scraping thick muck from some kind of long, bendy snarl of piping and double-pilot-sliding-semi-direct-proportioning height correctors, "we know the German Car Division is embezzling the money we had put aside for cheese, I mean parts, and using it for gas in their horrible, firm-riding, reliable, brick merde-houses."

With Agent 747 supplying the maintenance info, strange

tools, and squishy parts from his top-secret stash of esoterica Francaise, all that really stands in the way now is the other two hundred hours of welding needed to finish reconstructing the chassis, followed by several short years of rebuilding, repair, and reassembly.

"As long as its still really fast. " said the President in a rare fireside interview, apparently having forgotten what car he was talking about.

Operation "Versailles" is Possibly Just a Touch More Involved than We Initially Thought

CWMC Headquarters, Tuesday 19:45 Hours: All available agents were called to a closed-door meeting at HQ, amid rumors that Operation Versailles was in trouble.

"It's the same kind of snowball effect that we saw last year with Operation Snowball." said the President.

The 1971 Citroen DS could not be reached for comment. All info regarding Citroen construction and maintainance is apparently marked "Top Secret Francaise Nationale" and all inquries regarding same are returned unopened accompanied by a form letter saying only "Ne Touche pas!"

Agents 001 and 086 were overheard saying that the whole situation was in "seriously deep merde".

Tabernacle!