Cold War Motors Remarketing Division, Side of the Road, Ardrossan, Ab; Agent 8771 is learning what Mercury dealers across North America knew 35 years ago: Capris Don't Sell. Just like those long-ago Merc pimps, Agent 8771 is faced with a Capri inventory situation, and is having a spot of trouble liquidating 
his prized 1977 Ghia to shore up accounts for the inevitable financial weathering of another, more absurd operation to be detailed in future installments of this CWM newsletter.
his prized 1977 Ghia to shore up accounts for the inevitable financial weathering of another, more absurd operation to be detailed in future installments of this CWM newsletter.
Together with the sale of the F100 and the to-be-announced fate of the Fairlane sedan, a potential Capri sale nets a +3 on the park-o-meter, and that means its time Agent 8771 got a proper S.C.U.M. cruiser. The President encourages All Agents to petition Agent 8771 through this newsletter that we are in fact insisting that something be done about the state of his winter Agency ride.
CWM's Re- marketing Division has shifted a fair bit of shitty kit over the last decade, including several of 0311's flaming-bag-of-shit 240's and a couple of the President's "cars" that actually got too tough to handle in public, and really should have been put down. All these floorless Volkswagens, miled-out Fairmonts, and horrible sub-frame-detached Audi 4000's had at least these two things in common:
1: They were all worthless fuckpails.
1: They were all worthless fuckpails.
2: They were all easier to sell than a nice Capri.
Agent 747 has sold so many salvaged shitboxes off the CWM "Magic Hill", he swears it has supernatural powers.
Agent 747 has sold so many salvaged shitboxes off the CWM "Magic Hill", he swears it has supernatural powers.
"People like to buy cars from me, I s'pect, " said the Prez, recovering in bed after being found earlier by police, unconscious in a ditch beside a burning Isuzu Bellette with a pretty fair-sized bag of magic mushrooms in his housecoat.
"but that Capri just isn't generating the numbers..."
Pedigree and style are not appreciated in a place where 'truck balls' are sold to people that do not understand irony.
ReplyDeleteI guess I better go back to flogging shagged out rusty F-250's that run on BBQ gas. They always seem to draw a crowd in Ardrossan.
If it would help, Agent 0311 is willing to trade a rusty 240, an actual saleable automobile particularly in the face of winter, for this tidy German thing-a-ma-bob. Wtvr.
ReplyDeleteDodge Magnum 79' would sell....... Locals love it for it's sporty looks and crisp lines. try adding hideaway headlights on your german car, it just might sell.
ReplyDeleteIf local appeal is what your car is lacking, try taking the mufflers off and putting in a big discount warehouse stereo, then get some ugly wheels that are way too big for the car, and put some stickers on your windows that show everyone what a good consumer you are. Don't forget to put some "whisky dents" in the panels. instant Ardrossan cred.
ReplyDelete8771 sold off his entire Sweedish collection years ago. The 245 may be a temptation but does it have a Bluetooth hands free phone system? That's all that matters anymore.
ReplyDeleteThe Magnum would offer me credibility when on sales calls in High Prairie but the stuff I put in the trunk still has to be there when I arrive.
I am content to let the old Capri 'age' a bit more as I am sure that with time the appeal will increase. Aren't there more ex-pat Brits and Germans who grew up in the 70's coming to Alberta all the time?
0311:
ReplyDeleteI recommend keeping the hatch filled with boxes of bratwurst and freshly baked pretzels (the next step would be a large breasted prostitute and a couple of frosty beer steins). These little details can make a huge difference when attempting to close a sale.
With regard to the 245, I can slam some blue tooth action in there with some scraps of plywood, Robertson head screws and a few Radio Shack toggle switches. Just sayin', it can be done.
Nice Article and love to read it. I'm using the same blog platform as yours. A1Wreckers is the best cash for cars caboolture service in Queensland area. If you have a wrecked car then you should get rid of it. Everyone loves extra cash by getting cash for cars. We all need money to survive this bad situation. We are here to help you in this manner. Contact us
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreat remarkable issues here. I’m very glad to look your article. Thanks a lot and I am having a look forward to touch you. Will you please drop me a mail? Get More cash for cars Adelaide With Free Car Removal Adelaide. We Buy All Make & Model Vehicles In Any Condition Adelaide SA Wide & Offer FREE Towing!
ReplyDeleteWe also offer a free towing service that is absolutely free of cost! With this service, Sell8 reach you wherever you are in Melbourne, at any time to tow your vehicle free of cost. If you’re stuck in the middle of the road with a broken-down car and no one to call, or if you want to get your car removed from any point, give us a call at Cash For Cars Brisbane and we’ll be there to offer our Free Towing service to you!
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing skill of writing I really appreciate you of this content thanks for sharing are you searching for cash for cars we are here to deal you expertly you can sell your dumb vehicle with us any type of vehicle in Brisbane redcliffe wreckers
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the transparency of this website when it comes to pricing. The detailed breakdown and clear information on additional costs make it easier for consumers to budget and plan their purchase. It's refreshing to see a residential construction estimating UK that values honesty and strives to make the buying process as straightforward as possible.
ReplyDelete