President Leaks Plans for Upcoming Formula 1 Effort

 Ardrossan,Ab: HQ was abuzz again today following the discovery of the President's "laptop" containing top-secret blueprints for the much-rumored and highly-anticipated CWMC Racing Division's Formula 1 entry for the 2012 season. Phones rang to overheating with desperate pleas for details and security was repeatedly dispatched to deal with rowdy vanloads of TV shitheads clamouring for a close-up of the most guarded set of 'prints in recent F1 memory.

  The President, anticipating yet another set of draconian rule-changes for the '12 season, is betting the farm on a front-engine, drum-brake,  V8, 3000 lb 2-seater formula (similar to that of 1930), and is getting close to testing while other F1 teams foolishly waste their time developing the current "relevant" technology.
  "This is a brilliant tactical move," said in-house F1 specialist Agent 505 "and a massive technical undertaking again for the Racing Division".
  Recent years have brought to F1 rule-changes aimed at slowing the cars and keeping budgets down. Less wing, smaller tires, and no turbos all mean longer lap times.  Engines must now be run for several races, making them essentially "used parts". Teams are having success with used chassis and outside-sourced powerplants.  The President, again brilliantly anticipating an ever-stricter formula, has set the budget for the CWMC F1 Team at zero dollars and awaits the accolades of his peers upon the inevitable announcement that he has again anticipated the seemingly unintelligible whims of the current F1 governing bureaucracy.

 So far, the Racing Division, using nothing but discarded truck and tractor parts and a commanding mastery of profanity, has cobbled up a reasonable semblance of the vehicle depicted in the massive file of technical data. Lights dimmed in nearby cities as the CWMC triple-16 reel-to-reel 3/4" direct-drive 40-megatube mainframe Leviathan plotted arcane graphs and puked tractor-feed paper in drifts on the floor. Success was realized slowly, but eventually optimism, vague, tentative recollections of high-school math, and heavily spiked coffee prevailed and the machine is beginning to take shape, with Jodie Foster signing on to pilot the first prototype.
  When asked how the laptop came to be left in the ladies' toilet at the 24-hr Wok-Inn behind the Liquor Barn on 107th, the President replied that he had "no idea" what everyone was talking about, which was probably true given the state of his suit.