Operation Yard Ornament II Underway

CWMC HQ, Ardrossan, Ab.: Still slightly shaken by the narrowness of last summer's victory at the annual LBT Concours de Corrosion, the President is taking no chances this year as the "Western Canada's Worst Car" showdown looms large on the August horizon.



Find the bigger dog...



  Finding a suitable entry for this most exclusive and hotly contested event of the summer drinking season is not an assignment for a novice Agent; only the most experienced (red) eyes will know when they are looking at a potential winner, and not just another run-of-the-mill piece of shit that no one will remember by the third round of burgers and bong hits.

  "It should look as though it has actually passed through the ass of a dog at some point in the recent past." said the President earlier today when he was asked what he looked for in a WCWC entry. "Choosing an undesireable body style is a must, as is a gross colour. It also doesn't hurt if the car has always been regarded as a freakish, ugly abortion, even from new."

  With that kind of a shopping list in hand, it didn't take long to narrow down the ol' classified ads to just a single page: 1962 Plymouth, 4 door sedan, beige. Left outside for many years. Some assembly req. Sold!



Many other cars actually look better when assembled



  When the remains of the unit actually arrived at the CWMC compound, there was some concern as to whether the pile of rusty shit on the trailer was actually a car. Figuring that victory could slip away if the car was too rancid to be recognized, the President has embarked on something of a reassembly Operation, randomly affixing pieces of trim to the vehicle while staying drunk enough not to get too concerned with the actual locations and fit of the large pile of stainless strips, rusty chrome-plated rocket-blaster taillight housings, bent, jangly emblems, pitted aluminum mouldings, and push-button shifter parts scattered randomly around the general area of concern.

  Plans to have Operation Yard Ornament II roadworthy have been shelved indefinitely, but all vehicles must arrive at the LBT Compound under their own steam, so some kind of slant-six transplant has to take place in order to return the Plymouth to auto-mobile status.

If we can imagine the President pulling this together in a reasonable aount of time, we could also suppose he might attempt to install some seats, get the doors to open, or maybe try putting some brakes together just for the hell of it.

  "While the '62 Belvedere does fill a gap in the CWMC Plymouth collection, sometimes a gap just looks better..." said Agent 533 today in a brief phone interview that left this reporter a bit needing a drink. "Sure, its got low miles, but so does the Titanic".

  All Agents are encouraged to report to HQ to assist in the final prep and detailing, which may or may not include rebuilding the transmission, engine, brakes and steering.