Inventory Blowout Generates Fresh Funding

CWMC  Remarketing Division, Side of the Road, Ardrossan, Ab: With summer a vague memory and fall fast turning to whatever season follows it, the President has authorized an all-out inventory liquidation in an attempt to free up some much-needed square footage in the various cold-storage bunkers, currently overflowing with a veritable cornucopia of crumbling castoffs in various states of un-roadworthiness. A delightful lineup of hopeful-looking debris was towed or pushed to the edge of the compound and left near the adjoining highway to entice passers-by and further dampen local property values.


  Scarcely had a week passed when an actual customer stopped in and procured the 1964 Rambler Cross-Country, netting the Prez a cool $325.00 profit after some spirited haggling and what-me-with-a-family-to-feed-type bullshit. Batteries (and fuel pump, shock towers, floors, etc.) of course, not included.



Stella ruins picture #539



  Next to go was the 1970 Chevrolet Bel-Air, possibly the only decent car Cold War Motors has ever sold; certainly one of a very small number that may ever see the back of a plate being screwed to its bumper again. Small cash profit, and cause for celebratory bong rips all-round. The President was actually a bit sad to see this one go, but the pile of threatening hate mail from Agent 1080 was beginning to get the better of him, and CWM's only GM car is just a memory now.

 

Bring cash. And gas.



  Despite a boozy summer's worth of half-assed wrenching and hammering, the "Operation Yard Ornament" 1962 Plymouth Belvedere is proving no easier to sell now than when it arrived in boxes. Perhaps the lack of a wiring harness or gas tank has something to do with this; then again, it could just be the fact that it is a 1962 Plymouth, a car that was hard enough to sell when it was brand new. GT Hood Stripes have been duly applied in an attempt to spruce up the ugliest car in the fleet, but to little effect. Two-digit offers are now being considered as the snow approaches...

 

There are at least seven good parts in there somewhere. 



  Also still "on the hill" are the 1983 Ford F150 (get-this-piece-of-shit-out-of-my-yard priced at $350.00) and the President's personal Battle Cruiser #4 1976 Chrysler Newport Custom. This mobile monument to political incorrectness is not exactly flying off the shelves, either, possibly because not as many people are colourblind as the Remarketing Division had hoped. If golf-course-green brocade is your thing, this supertanker sweetheart is ready-to-go at $4900.00.

  Just when things were looking up, parking space-wise, our fearless leader has seen fit to give a home to yet another of Canada's rustiest Chryslers. This flyblown carcass might have been a Dodge Regent coupe back when the American car industry was the envy of the world, but its pretty hard to tell anymore. Just what the rationale was behind this bit of impulse-buying is lost on everyone, but all Agents are encouraged to stop in and contemplate the decision-making processes demonstrated therein.





  After the profits were totalled up and apprpriate numbers were crunched, it slowly became obvious that the Prez was going to still be about fifty grand shy of the price of a new shop truck. Rather than get a real job or keep embezzling funding from his own company, the Chief Cheapskate simply knocked a couple of zeros off the budget and went with the 1989 Dodge 150, complete with optional peeling paint and rust decor group. HQ reports that all systems (with the exception of the air, cruise, temp and oil guages) are go. So far. 



Operation Yard Ornament II Underway

CWMC HQ, Ardrossan, Ab.: Still slightly shaken by the narrowness of last summer's victory at the annual LBT Concours de Corrosion, the President is taking no chances this year as the "Western Canada's Worst Car" showdown looms large on the August horizon.



Find the bigger dog...



  Finding a suitable entry for this most exclusive and hotly contested event of the summer drinking season is not an assignment for a novice Agent; only the most experienced (red) eyes will know when they are looking at a potential winner, and not just another run-of-the-mill piece of shit that no one will remember by the third round of burgers and bong hits.

  "It should look as though it has actually passed through the ass of a dog at some point in the recent past." said the President earlier today when he was asked what he looked for in a WCWC entry. "Choosing an undesireable body style is a must, as is a gross colour. It also doesn't hurt if the car has always been regarded as a freakish, ugly abortion, even from new."

  With that kind of a shopping list in hand, it didn't take long to narrow down the ol' classified ads to just a single page: 1962 Plymouth, 4 door sedan, beige. Left outside for many years. Some assembly req. Sold!



Many other cars actually look better when assembled



  When the remains of the unit actually arrived at the CWMC compound, there was some concern as to whether the pile of rusty shit on the trailer was actually a car. Figuring that victory could slip away if the car was too rancid to be recognized, the President has embarked on something of a reassembly Operation, randomly affixing pieces of trim to the vehicle while staying drunk enough not to get too concerned with the actual locations and fit of the large pile of stainless strips, rusty chrome-plated rocket-blaster taillight housings, bent, jangly emblems, pitted aluminum mouldings, and push-button shifter parts scattered randomly around the general area of concern.

  Plans to have Operation Yard Ornament II roadworthy have been shelved indefinitely, but all vehicles must arrive at the LBT Compound under their own steam, so some kind of slant-six transplant has to take place in order to return the Plymouth to auto-mobile status.

If we can imagine the President pulling this together in a reasonable aount of time, we could also suppose he might attempt to install some seats, get the doors to open, or maybe try putting some brakes together just for the hell of it.

  "While the '62 Belvedere does fill a gap in the CWMC Plymouth collection, sometimes a gap just looks better..." said Agent 533 today in a brief phone interview that left this reporter a bit needing a drink. "Sure, its got low miles, but so does the Titanic".

  All Agents are encouraged to report to HQ to assist in the final prep and detailing, which may or may not include rebuilding the transmission, engine, brakes and steering.