Presidential Fleet Swells With Commissioning of Latest Heavy Cruiser

CWMC Presidential Mansion, AB: Despite repeated entreaties by the country's leading environmentalists to curtail the reckless abuse of our nations resources, another nuclear-class highway gunboat is joining the already politically suicidal CWMC Presidential Fleet.

The President, wholly unrepentant and seemingly even more oblivious than usual to the mass of placard-waving hippies camped permanently outside the gates, contented himself to peruse the finer points of the owner's manual and thereby master the operation of the state-of-the-art 8-track Stereo with AM radio.

When asked why a fourth 12 mpg big-block C-Body Chrysler was necessary to transport someone known to only leave the compound under protest (or to procure intoxicants), the President responded that "fender skirts are awesome" and reiterated his request that David Suzuki stop throwing greasy pelicans at the car every time he is in town.

Operation "Yard Ornament" Showing Early Signs of Total Collapse

CWMC Headquarters, Ab: All available agents are being petitioned for ideas to help stop the monstrous funding blowout that is currently threatening the entire Domestic Automobile Division. The President, apparently having lost a bet, is diverting huge wads of untraceable funds into his latest pet project in what can only be seen as a kamikaze financial assault on his own company.

The pile of rusty, smashed-up shit at the center of the controversy has been tentatively identified as some type of Plymouth automobile, to no one's surprise. This latest disaster has already been supplied a couple of mismatched doors from a Desoto, and is set to consume several better cars for parts as the black hole of irrational restorations achieves critical mass. Again.