Inventory Shuffle Imminent as Storage Facilites Fail

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker, Ardrossan, Ab.: With twigs and beer cans holding the collapsing roof away from some of his favourite cars, the President is again being forced to at least acknowledge the possibility that some excess inventory should be liquidated in the interest of advancing a general policy of sanity and achievement-orientedness.
  The real problem, besides the obvious one involved in convincing innocent victims to purchase said excess inventory, would be actually permanently reducing the body count, and not just filling all the newly freed up space with more derelict shitheaps.

Low miles, slight weed smell...

  The President, having been very reluctantly convinced to put upon the block his beloved Battle Cruiser #4, would be only too accommodating to any number of opportunities to fill the hole in the garage with some dangerously bad idea cars, any one of which would happily suck funding ad nauseum. Agent 0311 is lobbying pretty convincingly on behalf of the entire Vintage Import Wagon Division for storage space to be assigned to one of several ancient Mazda station wagons of indeterminate age and pedigree; one still sporting a spiffy 8 lb cow shit on the hood, perhaps an omen? What could go wrong with a 40 year-old, rotary-engined, rusty Jap car sitting in a field with no keys, no history, and no tangible support network at all? 

Wankel-wagon still collecting pessimistic reviews

  Joining the 'Port in the classifieds will be the 1959 Mercedes 190D, a vehicle so far beyond realistic hope of salvation that even the President is beginning to see that it will never amount to anything but a decent yard decoration / wild animal refuge. The Remarketing Division hopes to increase the curb appeal with a set of GT Hood Stripes and a couple of tires that hold air, but no one is holding their breath for a speedy sale. More likely, it will end up thrown in with the 1964 Rambler Cross Country as a part-exchange on something even more ridiculous. The Prez has his eye on some Soviet-era iron rusting in the same field as the aforementioned Mazda treasures. Skoda 120 Rapid, anyone? Lada Niva, perhaps? The mind swims with the possible nightmare scenarios should the Prez take the Eastern-Bloc route...
  "I like the idea of vodka-powered cars" said the President earlier today in an interview from his mobile command centre, smashing through rush-hour traffic while stolen U.N. Diplomatic fender flags waved contemptuously at the stricken commuters.
 Meanwhile, all Agents are encouraged to stay off the roads for the rest of the day, and keep sending suggestions for possible Agency Cruisers via this newsletter.