Economic Nightmare Unfolds as 8771's High-School Piece of Shit Car Hemorrhages Funds

CWMC Improbable Body Works Division, Ardrossan, AB: With only the most perfunctory of opening ceremonies, Operation Haircut commenced Tuesday, signalling the beginning of a protracted effort to return Agent 8771's Ford Fairlane to some kind of roadworthy, presentable version of its former self. 
  Early in the planning stages of Haircut, it was observed that, when all of the of the Ford's  rusted / smashed beyond repair components were removed, there was only a roof, a couple of doors, and some Maiden tapes left to salvage. Another low- mileage granny 4 door was quickly procured by the CWMC underground and, as of this writing, is being demolished and rebuilt as 8771's hardtop coupe.
   On Wednesday, several Agents attended a top-secret closed-door meeting at HQ to discuss several funding irregularities becoming apparent early on, like:
  -The "parts car" cost 6 times more than the actual car, and was actually quite nice, until the President, quite cheerfully baked on Holiday Hash Brownies, cut it up with a grinder. 
 - In a familiar-looking scenario, the Fairlane budget deficit for this week exceeds the total deficit of all 25 previous years combined. Agent 8771 forges ahead, guns blazing as he orders up new carpets, seats, and shiny parts for his decrepit deathtrap. Blindly spending ones way out of danger seems to be the order of the day here, also.
  "Austerity measures will have to be implemented if we can't get this reckless disregard for budgetary guidelines under some kind of control." the President said at the close of the meeting, struggling to open another Heineken by smashing the top of it with his Rolex. "This could mean a return to the lean, low-dollar accessories of Agent 8771's youth, like $29.99 cassette decks (including 2 6x9's), gauges that drip oil on your pants, and used tires with the whitewalls blacked-out by a Jiffy marker."
  All agents are encouraged to please submit other possible budget-reduction strategies c/o this newsletter. Updates to follow as they are declassified.

President Leaks Plans for Upcoming Formula 1 Effort

 Ardrossan,Ab: HQ was abuzz again today following the discovery of the President's "laptop" containing top-secret blueprints for the much-rumored and highly-anticipated CWMC Racing Division's Formula 1 entry for the 2012 season. Phones rang to overheating with desperate pleas for details and security was repeatedly dispatched to deal with rowdy vanloads of TV shitheads clamouring for a close-up of the most guarded set of 'prints in recent F1 memory.

  The President, anticipating yet another set of draconian rule-changes for the '12 season, is betting the farm on a front-engine, drum-brake,  V8, 3000 lb 2-seater formula (similar to that of 1930), and is getting close to testing while other F1 teams foolishly waste their time developing the current "relevant" technology.
  "This is a brilliant tactical move," said in-house F1 specialist Agent 505 "and a massive technical undertaking again for the Racing Division".
  Recent years have brought to F1 rule-changes aimed at slowing the cars and keeping budgets down. Less wing, smaller tires, and no turbos all mean longer lap times.  Engines must now be run for several races, making them essentially "used parts". Teams are having success with used chassis and outside-sourced powerplants.  The President, again brilliantly anticipating an ever-stricter formula, has set the budget for the CWMC F1 Team at zero dollars and awaits the accolades of his peers upon the inevitable announcement that he has again anticipated the seemingly unintelligible whims of the current F1 governing bureaucracy.

 So far, the Racing Division, using nothing but discarded truck and tractor parts and a commanding mastery of profanity, has cobbled up a reasonable semblance of the vehicle depicted in the massive file of technical data. Lights dimmed in nearby cities as the CWMC triple-16 reel-to-reel 3/4" direct-drive 40-megatube mainframe Leviathan plotted arcane graphs and puked tractor-feed paper in drifts on the floor. Success was realized slowly, but eventually optimism, vague, tentative recollections of high-school math, and heavily spiked coffee prevailed and the machine is beginning to take shape, with Jodie Foster signing on to pilot the first prototype.
  When asked how the laptop came to be left in the ladies' toilet at the 24-hr Wok-Inn behind the Liquor Barn on 107th, the President replied that he had "no idea" what everyone was talking about, which was probably true given the state of his suit.

Full Presidential Approval for Plymouth-Based Vandalism

Montreal, Que.: Agent 086 was again the subject of office speculation last week, following the arrival of news related to the latest in a series of outrageous self-aggrandizing publicity stunts perpetrated by his sister and designed to entice passers-by to yet another of 086's week-long, wine-and-snacks "happenings" celebrating his apparent inability to age gracefully. Agent 086 is no stranger to the CWMC Presidential Party Ethos: Never Enough is Not Quite Enough. 

  Although financial constraints and the always unfriendly Montreal "roads" would have defeated many less enthusiastic Agents, 086 remains true to the cause, piloting his 1971 Volvo 164 around the salty streets and crumbling-mob-concrete-infrastructure of Canada's Parisian Paradise.
 Agent 086 still holds the CWMC record for most ridiculous car-purchasing field trip ever; an epic tale of determination and credit-card abuse that seems unlikely to ever be bettered by a reasonably sane person.

"Agent 086 is one of the greatest; " said the President earlier this week, topping up a mammoth G&T and tack-welding some gigantic fender flares to an unsuspecting customers Silver Shadow. " he understands that sometimes you just have to go for it."

 Agent 086 sometimes operates in the company of the ever-elusive Agent 980, seen here alongside her Agency Cruiser 1977 Chrysler Newport Hardtop.
 Nice work as usual for the Montreal Division Agents! 

Operation Versailles Set to Resume This Winter

CWMC French Luxury Car Division, Ardrossan, Ab: After a short half-year delay to collect the corporate nerves and brace up the financials for the inevitable thrashing, Operation Versailles is set to resume operations late this week with the President, like a great Pharaoh, optimistic that he may in fact live to see the finished product in time to be buried in it.

Funding failures, protocol disasters, wine shortages, you name it, it has befallen the FLCD many times before.

"We are almost used to zees kahnd of abuse," said an anonymous informant, scraping thick muck from some kind of long, bendy snarl of piping and double-pilot-sliding-semi-direct-proportioning height correctors, "we know the German Car Division is embezzling the money we had put aside for cheese, I mean parts, and using it for gas in their horrible, firm-riding, reliable, brick merde-houses."

With Agent 747 supplying the maintenance info, strange

tools, and squishy parts from his top-secret stash of esoterica Francaise, all that really stands in the way now is the other two hundred hours of welding needed to finish reconstructing the chassis, followed by several short years of rebuilding, repair, and reassembly.

"As long as its still really fast. " said the President in a rare fireside interview, apparently having forgotten what car he was talking about.

1080 Raises the Bar

Lean Burn Technologies, Ardrossan, Ab: All available agents were called in last week to CWM Headquarters to assist in the cosmetic downgrading of 1080's latest Agency Cruiser to full S.C.U.M. specification, including a 1080 signature "If a little cam is good, too much cam is just right" engine rehab.

The 1979 Dodge Magnum finds 1080 not drifting too far from familiar, well-travelled territory, yet bravely seeking out the last couple of models from Chrysler's disco phase that he has yet

to own. Parked beside his collection of Ramchargers, Aspens, and Furies, the Magnum is as at-home at LBT as it is freakishly obnoxious everywhere else it goes. Full Presidential Endorsement as usual for 1080.

Special touches for this winter weapon include still-functioning transparent headlight covers, door locks apparently from another car, as well as the ubiquitous Grant GT steering wheel straight from the "Banned Accessories" list in the CWMC Field Agent Guide to Vehicle

Appearance. (Ch. 14 of Lou's Letter to the Parole Board, verses seven through eleven:

Let not thine Agency ride give shelter to these unholy things, for they can be purchased at Canadian Tire...)

The team of Headers and Shorty Duals again provide the soundtrack to this major motion picture.

The President, still recovering in his top-floor retreat at the Holiday Inn in Tofield from a spectacular series of traffic incidents that left him unable to drink for several days, was heard to remark that "semi-gloss black is the new flat black" shortly before returning to the little fort he had made out of couch cushions.

History Repeats as Tidy German Car Proves Difficult to Unload

Cold War Motors Remarketing Division, Side of the Road, Ardrossan, Ab; Agent 8771 is learning what Mercury dealers across North America knew 35 years ago: Capris Don't Sell. Just like those long-ago Merc pimps, Agent 8771 is faced with a Capri inventory situation, and is having a spot of trouble liquidating his prized 1977 Ghia to shore up accounts for the inevitable financial weathering of another, more absurd operation to be detailed in future installments of this CWM newsletter.

Together with the sale of the F100 and the to-be-announced fate of the Fairlane sedan, a potential Capri sale nets a +3 on the park-o-meter, and that means its time Agent 8771 got a proper S.C.U.M. cruiser. The President encourages All Agents to petition Agent 8771 through this newsletter that we are in fact insisting that something be done about the state of his winter Agency ride.

CWM's Re- marketing Division has shifted a fair bit of shitty kit over the last decade, including several of 0311's flaming-bag-of-shit 240's and a couple of the President's "cars" that actually got too tough to handle in public, and really should have been put down. All these floorless Volkswagens, miled-out Fairmonts, and horrible sub-frame-detached Audi 4000's had at least these two things in common:
1: They were all worthless fuckpails.

2: They were all easier to sell than a nice Capri.
  Agent 747 has sold so many salvaged shitboxes off the CWM "Magic Hill", he swears it has supernatural powers.

"People like to buy cars from me, I s'pect, " said the Prez, recovering in bed after being found earlier by police, unconscious in a ditch beside a burning Isuzu Bellette with a pretty fair-sized bag of magic mushrooms in his housecoat.

"but that Capri just isn't generating the numbers..."

Mystery Car Unveiled

CWMC Long-Term-Storage Bunker, Ardrossan, Ab: The long-awaited and hotly-debated Mystery Car has been identified by the CWM experts, the result of six months' intensive research and countless hours hidden in a sealed, off-grid underground facility next to the Tacotime on 34th, combing the stacks of dusty ephemera for any clues as to the nature of this strange beast.

Several unfortunate agents were assigned to the unenviable task of discovering the car's nationality, genus, and species. A tall order; but who, just last year, identified the last surviving Isotta Fraschini Tipo 8c Special Cabriolet by LeBaron, parked at Kar Basher? Thats right! Cold War Motors' Historically Ambiguous Autos Division. Turns out it was a Hillman Avenger, but no matter, CWM was on the case.

Sometimes, it seemed like an impossible task, given the huge number of auto manufacturers that have existed over the last hundred years, and the painstakingly slow and methodical research methods needed to preserve the scientific validity of the results, if any, of the study.

Abarth, Alfa Romeo, AMC, Aston Martin, Auburn, Austin, Avanti...

Half a year later, just as the finished car was delivered to its owner, the team had an answer, and an envelope was rushed to a well-lubed President, who was struggling to keep the car's owner entertained, or to keep standing up, for that matter. The Prez, now concentrating deliberately on elementary motor skills, grandly placed his right hand over one eye and proceeded to squint for a few minutes at the piece of paper.

"C...A...M...A...R...O..., Oh, its an El Camino. Sweet."

"Does it say the year?"

"Mmm...?"

"What year is it?"

"...'fuck should I know?"

Another Mystery Car success story at CWMC.

Racing Division Triumphant with Toyota

Near Ardrossan, Ab: CWMC's Racing Division was back on track at John's Carnival of Carnage last weekend, showcasing the latest in a series of high-performance specials, this time a stunning 1997 Toyota Tercel in Sox & Martin livery.

The track, unlike the cars and drivers, was in superb condition, and a new "outer circuit" was incorporated for extended high-speed (destructive) testing.

Several Agents were on the scene with their own teams, including 1080's 1987 GMC Suburban, 0406's Team Toyota Corolla Road Warrior Edition, Agent 100013 in a magic '81 Cadillac Coupe de Villain, 8771 in a formidable Oldsmobile W-30 Ninety-Eight Brougham and of course 533 was there in a phantom Plymouth Caravelle 4-door Touring Phaeton, top down and sporting "Sheriff of Go Fuck Yourself" decals.

So; classy as usual.

Racing quickly degenerated to a series of one-on-one grudge matches, which made for lots of close racing and close calls at the expense of vehicle longevity and appearance.

The President was there in person to take on driving duties in the CWMC Tercel, and despite his "Do a lap / do a shot" policy, managed to keep most of the wheels on the car long enough to outlast much tougher vehicles; even the massive Suburban never really had a chance with 1080 mercilessly stress-testing every drivetrain component until the driveshaft decided to put an end to the insanity by committing suicide.

"Beats working." said the Pres later, not that he ever actually does any work.

Another 245 Stares into the Abyss

Edmonton, Ab: On Friday the President awarded the annual "Saggy Tit of Awesomeness for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Milking It" to multiple-time-champion Agent 0311 for his 1979 Volvo 245. In a brief, unceremonious photo session today at HQ, the extent of the truly crippling decay and multi-tiered bodge-a-thon was documented for the CWMC archives while a small group of Agents discussed possible terminal-failure scenarios were 0311 to actually continue to use the "T&C" as primary transport.

0311, having decimated the last surviving stock of $200 Toyotas and Hondas, turned his eye to Volvos several years ago, and has been successfully hammering them until a repair bill exceeding the value of the gas in the tank seals their fate.

"Who sold him that piece of shit?" was all the President could muster when asked to comment on the horrifying state of things, forgetting in his Seagrams-soaked haze that it had of course been himself.

All agents are encouraged to please take note of the monumental achievement in

switchgear shitty-ness and double-

black-belt level hap-

hazardness throughout.

Operation S.C.U.M. continues to gain momentum as winter approaches, with Agent 0311 setting the pace so far...

Boozy Shopping Spree Nets Predictable Results

CWMC Cold Storage Bunker, Ardrossan: Another lost-weekend-style accumulation of motorized debris has found its way home this week, despite strong opposition on all fronts and intensive lobbying by various neighbourhood / community organizations. The President, faced with a severe funding shortage caused by an almost complete failure of the CWMC Cash Crop / Grow Op, simply knocked a couple zeros off the budget and went shopping anyways.

First stop of the day netted a pair

of Honda carcasses that would have best been left for the buzzards, followed by a long drive into the city to inspect another possible treasure, this time a 1976 Honda 750. Agent 533 was again roped into the Presidential shitstorm, and had the dubious honour of attempting to move the flat-tired, seized solid, 600-pound ex-motorcycle into the back of his agency transport truck.

Several hours later, with the assistance of a couple of local magpies, the machine was "secured" with a couple thousand feet of fishing line, various bits of twine and a couple of sticks. Thus equipped, the perilous return journey was completed with only a couple of stops to re-fasten and re-attach bits of the bike.

The President, incoherent with delight, proceeded to waste the rest of the weekend polishing up his new treasures and pushing them around the garage making engine sounds.

Stay tuned for more updates from the Vintage Jap Bike Division.

Agent 406 Puts Finishing Touches to Operation Granny Sled

CWMC HQ, Ardrossan, Ab: All available agents were summoned to a last-minute lunch meeting at HQ Friday to contemplate the financial holocaust inflicted on the Domestic Car Division by Agent 406 and his 1968 Acadian.

The Accounting for Things Division compiled a short list of projects with similar budgets for comparison; an excerpt follows:

- The Euro Fighter

- NASA Manned Mars Expedition

- High-speed Train Across Siberia

- Star Wars 4, 5 & 6

- the 2011 Formula 1 Season

- Weed for the Cheech & Chong Reunion Tour

The President stared blankly at the tally for several minutes and slowly took a few tidy sips from his glass of "water" before asking if there was any particular reason 406 needed to be able to tap close to 1000 hp in his agency cruiser. "Operation Granny Sled was conceived as a low-key bench-seat restoration, and thats what it is, until you start the engine" said 406 in his defence, "I admit the spending got a little out of hand on some of the reciprocating bits..."

The President returned from a ride in the 406 Acadian and would like to express his full and unambiguous support for completely insane engines in all agency units.

Agent 4261's Dirty Harry Cruiser is Actually Pretty Clean

CWMC HQ, Ardrossan, Ab: Headquarters was the scene today of more than just the usual amount of watercooler leaning and mindless photocopying as Agents nervously speculated about the possibility of revisions to the Operation S.C.U.M. Field Agent Guide Regarding Agency Unit Appearance. Edition Four.

In Chapter three hundred and sixty of Ricardo's Letter to the Corinthians; verse four, lines three through nine:

"Agency Units shall be suitably un-flashy and not decadent in attitude, nor vain in appearance. Do this in remembrance of Jesus, who was a radio-delete motherfucker if there ever was one."

The Agents committing the sin of vehicular vanity are organized by Agent 4261 A.K.A. "Impala Dave" A.K.A. "Details Dave"; keeper of the cleanest cars in the Agency, and apparently not entirely willing to relinquish the ol' floor mat dressing in the name of Our Saviour.

"Agent 4261's field unit is just a bit too goddam tidy" said the President today during a brief break from court where the latest round of lawsuits is playing itself expensively out."I'd like to see some old chip bags and some coffee cups mashed up in there, at least."

In the end, 4261 was let off with just a warning, the President being a perennial softie for old low-end models with original paint, missing hubcaps, and roll-up-your-own-goddam-windows.

A second warning was later issued for longer-than-thou chrome exhaust tips.

A Study in Understated Good Taste and Timeless Elegance

Ardrossan, Ab: CWMC's Latest from the Boogie Van Division is being hailed by critics as "...a subtle, thought-provoking interpretation of classical themes; restrained, muted and graceful, betraying impeccable mastery of the form..."

Agents 644 & 688 commissioned Operation Urban Camo after being convinced by agent 0311 that it would be the only way to maintain a low profile while staying illegally in the country. Nicely done 0311!

Several agents were on the scene to help with various aspects of the Operation, from 533's airbrushed murals to 100013's wheels and stereo to 087's front tires. The President himself helped with the layout after a particularly hard absinthe-and-bong-hits marathon, needing only a little help with the straight lines.

All agents stay tuned for more tasteful metalflake-lace-candy-pearl updates from the Boogie Van Division.

Priceless Copy of "Convoy" Destroyed in 8-Track Fuckstorm

Presidential Battle Cruiser#4, Monday 27 Sept: On a rare venture outside the CWMC Compound Monday, the President narrowly avoided diplomatic disaster when his beloved 8- track player puked out his equally dear copy of Convoy: Songs About Big Trucks and Nice Tits. The President, desperate to avoid another protocol* meltdown with several other Agents aboard, saved the day by switching to AM Gold and handing out a lot of joints to soften the mood.

Later,when asked to comment on the technology fiasco, the heavily sedated President replied "At least it wasn't the only known working copy of Caress of Steel." He then continued to warble in a nasal falsetto for several minutes while making elaborate air-drum-fills and just generally tripping out on how sweet Caress of Steel is.

Nevertheless, the technology failure has inspired the next CWMC touring exhibit: Great Delete Panels of the Cold War Era: A Retrospective. Monthly instalments to follow.

*{Vol.2;Sec.3 [Agent Cruiser Handbook] Ch. 4 V.14;re:factory sound systems (must be kept operational)/8/ff/shit/app.3:err##}

Shop Truck Saves the Day

Ardrossan, Ab: CWM's faithful Ford F250 came to the rescue again yesterday, helping with disaster relief efforts after a tree was blown across the driveway, injuring another tree and bruising several hundred apples in the seasons worst non-terrorist-related temporary road closure.

The President took a second to relate how, after he replaced the battery and fuel pump, fixed the rotten fuel line, bled the clutch cylinder, pumped up 3 flat tires, rebuilt the carb (again) and replaced the points, cap, plugs and wires, the mighty 223 roared to life and ran beautifully for several seconds before the little pin thingy keeping the shifter pointed straight broke off and halted cleanup efforts well into the late afternoon.

Once mechanical harmony had been restored to the shifter, operation Get this Shit off my Driveway proceeded without further incident. The F250 is taking a well deserved breather after its workout, resting peacefully in the center of the driveway, just where it broke down as soon as the tree was out of the way.

Operation Yard Ornament Another Success for Show Car Division

Cooking Lake, Ab: Lean Burn Technologies' annual car show and barbecue attracted entries from several agents, but in the end, the mortal remains of what was once a Plymouth Savoy belonging to none other than the President himself was voted "Western Canada's Worst Car" and shortlisted for the coveted "Worst Thing in the Known Universe" award, to be handed out on Wednesday, weather permitting.


Competition was fierce and the tension was palpable as votes were tallied, with the unbelievably wretched '68 Fury I 2-door post (6 cyl 3 speed stick!) and downright offensive grouping of Dodge Aspens garnering plenty of queasy looks and more than a few ballots.
The ensuing celebrations are best left un-retold. Suffice to say that there will definitely be a repeat of the event, but a couple of the cars won't be making the anniversary.

The President wishes to convey his continued enthusiasm for getting wickedly baked and looking at shitty old cars.

Agent 1080 could not be reached for comment, having decided to finish the keg by himself the next afternoon.

Facelift for Ageing CWM Facility

CWMC Storage Bunker, Ardrossan: The new, exciting, jet-age look to the facilities is not only keeping the water off the cars, its keeping up with the times.

"I like the steel roof" said the President in a rare phone interview from his summer home in Montreal where he is serving a 30-day house arrest for drunk & disorderly following an incident that, while regrettable, was quickly resolved with the purchase of a new back seat for the officer's car.

"It also keeps the government thought-control rays to a bare minimum" continued the Prez, apparently feeling no pain, thought-control-or-otherwise."But my fuckin' cell phone doesn't work inside now, so if I want to talk on the phone, I gotta go stand outside like an idiot, government beamin' thoughts, fuckin' mosquitoes, jesus."

The line goes dead here. All agents are encouraged to stay posted for more updates.

CWMC Agents Debate Fleet Updates

Edmonton, Ab: A couple of recently comissioned Agency units are the source of some behind-closed-doors whispering concerning the legitimacy and worthiness of said transport. Agent 0311, in particular, is being taken somewhat to task over the purchase and refurbishment of a Toyota Tercel, while Agent 1080 basks in Presidential approval over his acquisition of yet another 440-powered, bleached cow-upholstered Chrysler NYB.

Agent 0311's mission to procure a late-model, fuel-injected reliability blob ended predictably in total failure last week with the purchase of a 26-year-old, carbureted Toyota. 0311 then added insult to injury when he comissioned a full cosmetic refurb, thus returning the ugliest car of the 1980s to something very near showroom condition.

"It looks like a calculator..." said a disbelieving 1080 upon seeing the mint Tercel for the first time, the Toshiba-esque lines of the wagon having failed to make more favorable comparisons easy.

Agent 0311, meanwhile, had little good to say about the big Chryslers that consistently find their way into 1080's garage. "The boy clearly has problems... what the hell is Lean Burn anyway?"

The President could not be reached for comment, having recently been seen bartering chickens for timing chains in the former French colonies of Africa.

Suspicious Circumstances Surround KF'd 244

Edmonton, Ab: Eyebrows were raised slightly today at the news that Agent 0311 has pulled the plug on yet another 240-series Volvo. In fact, 0311 has consigned so many 240s to the bin that some agents are beginning to suspect ulterior motives. Do agents 0311 and 0313 have, as some are whispering, an angle? A reason to hasten the donation?

This reporter suspects that last winter's Dead-Volvo-a-Thon did little to help already ambiguous relations between 0311,0313, and their fleet of semi-faithful safety bricks.

"Our good car is a 73 Beetle with no headlights." 0311 said in a Monday phone interview from his mansion where he was nursing the last few bits onto a 1963 122s, cursing quietly under his breath and taking frequent sips of a gigantic rye & 7.

Will Agents 0311 & 0313 find true love in the harsh, fast-paced world outside 240-ownership? All agents please submit ideas for non-240-based transportation to this column.

French Sedan is a Coup for Diesel Division

CWMC Headquarters, Ab: HQ was a buzz of activity Friday, with agents from all directions converging on the storage bunker, hoping to catch a glimpse of the latest of the President's ill-advised forays into the Land of Extinct French Diesel Luxury Cars of the 80's.

The 604 arrived late evening, hand-delivered by Agent 747 who braved local law enforcement to limp the wounded, unregistered Peugeot from his own collection to the CWMC compound several miles away.

Cloaked in an aura of Pininfarina-grade cool only slightly ruined by the smell of hot clutch, the big Pooj rattled away contentedly whilst the President, in a quite obviously over-celebrated state, slurred enthusiastically on about the sense of style and taste the 604 would doubtlessly impart to its new caregiver, were it actually driveable. Meanwhile, it has achieved indoor storage status alongside the CX2.5d until further notice.

Update: Agent 533 repaired the shift linkage, allowing for a short test drive which served to confirm Agent 747's assertion that the 604 was indeed slower than the second coming of Christ, but without the harsh ride associated with most other biblical events.

Another S.C.U.M. Success Story

Edmonton,Ab: Agent 533 continues to refine the look of his S.C.U.M. cruiser, this week paying special attention to body and paint issues that had been keeping this former yuppie status-symbol looking just a touch too respectable. It's not always about skinny ties and Kraftwerk tapes in the Blaupunkt: just 300 miles of muddy gravel roads have added invaluable crud points, nicely complimenting the broken-fog-lamp ambience of the front facade, and obscuring the few square inches of paint that were still slightly shiny.

Nothing says S.C.U.M like prying off the hubcaps; especially when you're running a sweet set of vintage 3.0 CS alloys and mounting some house-brand snows well into July. Nicely done 533!

The President would like to offer his moral if not financial support for 533's efforts, and hopes that the BMW Concours Society of Anal Nit-Pickers and Associated Fuckheads finds something else to worry about so you can have your front yard back.